Saturday, May 8, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
How should a Christian behave in times of crisis? Should she swear when she is angry and frustrated?
like now?
like if she's so freaking stressed because 1) she has so much to study for 2) she has so little time 3) she can't rmb what she has studied 4) she is beginning to realise how much she has forgotten or gotten mixed up 5) she can't hardcore study everything cos she knows deep down inside that nothing would go in properly and everything would be even more jumbled up in her head. 6) she HAS to get merit. or else. 7) she knows that she really should not be whining about this. It's starting to get really irritating. both for her and for the person who hears it almost everyday. she's getting irritated herself for keep saying it. 8) but if she doesnt say it, she would just be keeping it inside. and one day, she'll explode.
WHAT SHOULD SHE DO?
she knows, that she should be praying, reading the bible and putting everything in God.
not even to ask him to give her the grades, but to ask Him to do what's best for her, to show her His plans and to guide her towards His plans.
it's kinda scary to just let go. (yes, try her best, but not to the point that she is trying TOO hard to get what SHE wants.)
Just let go.
Let go.
So far, letting go has brought the best into her life. It has for so many things. And even this Easter, this MCD preparation. It has been fine.
So why should she not be able to do it again?
Why? Why?
Sarah, let go, let Jesus take the wheel...
like now?
like if she's so freaking stressed because 1) she has so much to study for 2) she has so little time 3) she can't rmb what she has studied 4) she is beginning to realise how much she has forgotten or gotten mixed up 5) she can't hardcore study everything cos she knows deep down inside that nothing would go in properly and everything would be even more jumbled up in her head. 6) she HAS to get merit. or else. 7) she knows that she really should not be whining about this. It's starting to get really irritating. both for her and for the person who hears it almost everyday. she's getting irritated herself for keep saying it. 8) but if she doesnt say it, she would just be keeping it inside. and one day, she'll explode.
WHAT SHOULD SHE DO?
she knows, that she should be praying, reading the bible and putting everything in God.
not even to ask him to give her the grades, but to ask Him to do what's best for her, to show her His plans and to guide her towards His plans.
it's kinda scary to just let go. (yes, try her best, but not to the point that she is trying TOO hard to get what SHE wants.)
Just let go.
Let go.
So far, letting go has brought the best into her life. It has for so many things. And even this Easter, this MCD preparation. It has been fine.
So why should she not be able to do it again?
Why? Why?
Sarah, let go, let Jesus take the wheel...
Friday, June 5, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Today, I went to the hospice again, after a long long time.
I was sick with flu for three weeks, and still suffering from it, but I had to go back again. Cos a patient that was very dear to me was dying and her daughter, whom I got along quite well with, was so sweet to inform me.
When I received that msg from her, I felt this pang of guilt. Not so much for not going back to see the patient, but for actually receiving this msg from her. She thought that I deserved to know about this patient's condition. I wanted to, deep down in my heart, but I never did go through the trouble to visit her ( If someone wanted to do something really badly, flu wasn't a good enough reason, honestly). It was just that I was so so so self-centred. That I cared more about my own happiness, my life. Cos the truth was, people do burn out after long periods of volunteering and I told myself that I really needed a long good break and I went back a few times, but the patient was always too in pain, too tired to see me. So I stopped...
If I were a doctor, I would be a very lousy one. So really, I didn't deserve to be on her list of people-to-call-when-the-patient-dies.
She's going to die soon. When people are going to die, they stop eating, they don't respond to medication, they can't really move but blink and breathe and they slowly start gasping for air, as if their failing lungs are suffocating them...and by the patient's bedside, I was shock to find myself almost tearing, my voice faltering as I apologised to her for not visiting her for so long. And I stopped myself. Cos I found myself gazing at her with pity.
I think patients really hate that gaze. Pity robs away their dignity and I wanted to slap myself for it.
So I started instead talking to her about how she should be strong, go peacefully, and join her good friends from the hospice. I started talking to her about my life, the other volunteers lives and the lives of the other patients at the hospice. I started reminiscing with her and for her the times we spent together....
Even though she couldn't move or make a sound, I knew that she was conscient and listening to my every word. Occasionally, her eyes will open and those blue water-filled eyes (due to excessive body fluids that occur with cancer) will stare at me. Her mouth would twitch, as if trying to say something or smile.
I bet she was in pain. No one will truly know though cos she can't express herself anymore. So now, I just hope that she'll go peacefully.
I was sick with flu for three weeks, and still suffering from it, but I had to go back again. Cos a patient that was very dear to me was dying and her daughter, whom I got along quite well with, was so sweet to inform me.
When I received that msg from her, I felt this pang of guilt. Not so much for not going back to see the patient, but for actually receiving this msg from her. She thought that I deserved to know about this patient's condition. I wanted to, deep down in my heart, but I never did go through the trouble to visit her ( If someone wanted to do something really badly, flu wasn't a good enough reason, honestly). It was just that I was so so so self-centred. That I cared more about my own happiness, my life. Cos the truth was, people do burn out after long periods of volunteering and I told myself that I really needed a long good break and I went back a few times, but the patient was always too in pain, too tired to see me. So I stopped...
If I were a doctor, I would be a very lousy one. So really, I didn't deserve to be on her list of people-to-call-when-the-patient-dies.
She's going to die soon. When people are going to die, they stop eating, they don't respond to medication, they can't really move but blink and breathe and they slowly start gasping for air, as if their failing lungs are suffocating them...and by the patient's bedside, I was shock to find myself almost tearing, my voice faltering as I apologised to her for not visiting her for so long. And I stopped myself. Cos I found myself gazing at her with pity.
I think patients really hate that gaze. Pity robs away their dignity and I wanted to slap myself for it.
So I started instead talking to her about how she should be strong, go peacefully, and join her good friends from the hospice. I started talking to her about my life, the other volunteers lives and the lives of the other patients at the hospice. I started reminiscing with her and for her the times we spent together....
Even though she couldn't move or make a sound, I knew that she was conscient and listening to my every word. Occasionally, her eyes will open and those blue water-filled eyes (due to excessive body fluids that occur with cancer) will stare at me. Her mouth would twitch, as if trying to say something or smile.
I bet she was in pain. No one will truly know though cos she can't express herself anymore. So now, I just hope that she'll go peacefully.
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