Still Learning to Walk

2010-05-08T21:09:00.002+08:00

i have no idea why, but im just super irritated with my dad. like for no reason. argh. i feel guilty about it. but i cant help it. sian.

2010-05-05T06:58:00.003+08:00

How should a Christian behave in times of crisis? Should she swear when she is angry and frustrated?

like now?

like if she's so freaking stressed because 1) she has so much to study for 2) she has so little time 3) she can't rmb what she has studied 4) she is beginning to realise how much she has forgotten or gotten mixed up 5) she can't hardcore study everything cos she knows deep down inside that nothing would go in properly and everything would be even more jumbled up in her head. 6) she HAS to get merit. or else. 7) she knows that she really should not be whining about this. It's starting to get really irritating. both for her and for the person who hears it almost everyday. she's getting irritated herself for keep saying it. 8) but if she doesnt say it, she would just be keeping it inside. and one day, she'll explode.

WHAT SHOULD SHE DO?

she knows, that she should be praying, reading the bible and putting everything in God.

not even to ask him to give her the grades, but to ask Him to do what's best for her, to show her His plans and to guide her towards His plans.

it's kinda scary to just let go. (yes, try her best, but not to the point that she is trying TOO hard to get what SHE wants.)

Just let go.

Let go.

So far, letting go has brought the best into her life. It has for so many things. And even this Easter, this MCD preparation. It has been fine.

So why should she not be able to do it again?

Why? Why?

Sarah, let go, let Jesus take the wheel...

2009-06-05T23:42:00.001+08:00

i've moved! http://iatharas.blogspot.com/

finally.

2009-06-05T10:47:00.003+08:00

who in the world googles for blogskins that have the theme "Sadness" and "loneliness"?

and you would never have guessed that the search results can be 20 pages long. each.

2009-06-05T10:37:00.003+08:00

If this were your last day, your last moment, who will you think of, most?

2009-06-05T01:41:00.001+08:00

"So here's the truth about the truth: It hurts. So, we lie." - Grey's Anatomy Season 2 Episode 14

2009-06-04T21:57:00.002+08:00

Today, I went to the hospice again, after a long long time.

I was sick with flu for three weeks, and still suffering from it, but I had to go back again. Cos a patient that was very dear to me was dying and her daughter, whom I got along quite well with, was so sweet to inform me.

When I received that msg from her, I felt this pang of guilt. Not so much for not going back to see the patient, but for actually receiving this msg from her. She thought that I deserved to know about this patient's condition. I wanted to, deep down in my heart, but I never did go through the trouble to visit her ( If someone wanted to do something really badly, flu wasn't a good enough reason, honestly). It was just that I was so so so self-centred. That I cared more about my own happiness, my life. Cos the truth was, people do burn out after long periods of volunteering and I told myself that I really needed a long good break and I went back a few times, but the patient was always too in pain, too tired to see me. So I stopped...

If I were a doctor, I would be a very lousy one. So really, I didn't deserve to be on her list of people-to-call-when-the-patient-dies.

She's going to die soon. When people are going to die, they stop eating, they don't respond to medication, they can't really move but blink and breathe and they slowly start gasping for air, as if their failing lungs are suffocating them...and by the patient's bedside, I was shock to find myself almost tearing, my voice faltering as I apologised to her for not visiting her for so long. And I stopped myself. Cos I found myself gazing at her with pity.

I think patients really hate that gaze. Pity robs away their dignity and I wanted to slap myself for it.

So I started instead talking to her about how she should be strong, go peacefully, and join her good friends from the hospice. I started talking to her about my life, the other volunteers lives and the lives of the other patients at the hospice. I started reminiscing with her and for her the times we spent together....

Even though she couldn't move or make a sound, I knew that she was conscient and listening to my every word. Occasionally, her eyes will open and those blue water-filled eyes (due to excessive body fluids that occur with cancer) will stare at me. Her mouth would twitch, as if trying to say something or smile.

I bet she was in pain. No one will truly know though cos she can't express herself anymore. So now, I just hope that she'll go peacefully.

2009-05-31T21:50:00.003+08:00

What do smiles mean anyway?

Why can't we feel happiness all the time?

Why must we go through life having expectations and feeling letdown?

Why can't there be someone that I can see, feel, hear permanently in my life that will be there for me all the time?

happiness is just a facade people have in order to face life. The real emotion that is constant is unhappiness.

2009-05-31T20:17:00.002+08:00

I want to be a human being who can feel.

I want to be a human being who can cry laugh smile scream shout yell

and feel oh so SOUR ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I want to feel the emotions of everyone around me

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

2009-05-28T22:48:00.003+08:00

Grey's Anatomy?

It dramatises stuff, it zooms in on the sexual relationships doctors have with their interns. But deep down, they're all real issues. real medical and personal dilemmas.

I just hope i'll be good enough for all these dramas.

Like
McDreamy and Meredith is, with handling work and personal issues relatively well.

It IS a hard balance.

....

And life feels so empty sometimes.

hm, but why do we carry on? well meredith said, "we keep hitting ourselves with the hammer cos when we stop, the feeling is great."

I'm just living and smiling and trying to be happy till the hammer stops hitting....or maybe it has to start, so I can start remembering what it is like when the hammer stops hitting.

2009-05-26T17:35:00.002+08:00

Recently, life has finally slowed down a little - or rather, that I've been cutting myself a lot more slack - such that I've actually found myself spending three whole days just waking up knowing that I've got nothing planned for the day, bumming around, eating breakfast at my own time, and finally just sitting in the living room with the windows wide open and the wind blowing in, in front of my com doing anything i want at my own pace.

I realise that when I actually have something I have to do, but that I can do at my own pace, it's such a wonderful thing really. No guilt, pure enjoyment of pursuing the things you want.

Anyway, I was really into laptops these few days, cos I really need one that is less heavy than my lousy 4kgone...(actl it isn't that lousy, it has been working for about 4 years, despite all the heavy stresses i give it. Good computer!)

I really really love Levono Thinkpad X200 Tablet. It's the best Tablet there is. Good performance, light weight, my ideal 12 inch screen, wonderful tablet responsiveness and sensitivity with that awesome Wacom stylus, good build, build-in webcam, speakers, microphones (to tape lectures) and the best connectivity there is in all models of laptops.

A few caveats though. just like the typical levono models, there is no touchpad :( why why why! Thankfully i can use the pen/my finger for the touchsensitive screen even in PC mode. I wonder what would happen if my pen spoiled! It's certainly not helping that IBM's service isn't really helpful.

2nd choice would be HP Elitebook 2730p! The design is nice, not like the boring (or professional looking - depending on how you see it - levono). But! the keys are white! now while that's zen looking, it's really not very practical to bring to sch where your dirty hands touch the keys so often. ...But i can't help noticing that it has a TOUCHPAD! it's like in replacement of the touchscreen function in PC mode of the Levono! (and if i dun like the touchpad, there's always the trackpoint!) wow wow wow. And the webcam is 2 Gig :) but it has monochrome speakers. oh well, one can't have everything..

both are light, but levono is faster

HP's service desk is supposedly better.

But levono is quieter and doesn't get heated up as easily. but Hp is fine too i guess!

Bleagh.

in any case! i want a good powerful, portable, durable, responsive, fast, good connectivity TABLET.

Top choices:
1. Levono Thinkpad X200 Tablet
2. HP Elitebook 2730p
3. Fujitsu Lifebook 4215 - but no webcam! :(
4. Fujitcu T5010 - but heavyyy but can be switched to weightsaver (2kg!) and big! (13 inch)...can be hot and heavy during high performance too!
5. Fujitsu 4210

Hope my mummy and daddy will give me the best! :DDDDD and that it will be the best!

2009-05-25T01:47:00.001+08:00

Sarah's never gonna get well cos she can't sleep. >.<

I'm gonna get a new laptop soon! heehee.

<3

2009-05-23T13:25:00.002+08:00

I'm rotting away this morning. Feeling so sour and restless.

Seem to be waiting for the only thing that's gonna make my day relatively interesting today - the pre pre med camp. lol. i have to admire such extremely extroverted people who are so willing to go that extra mile to organise stuff for a bunch of strangers.

they have so much energy, they're gonna hate me.

I'm bored.

I think my blog is a disgusting sight. I shall revamp it when I actually get down to moving like a real living thing.

Dealing with criticism

2009-05-17T22:52:00.002+08:00

Today, I learnt a very impt lesson on sensitivity to one's language, tone and words when communicating with others, sensitivity to other people's feelings and dealing with criticism.

All these didn't come out of the blue of course. It can after a very close friend of mine told me how a friend told her that I had been a little rough with my words on msn with her. and later said how sometimes my tone can be quite unpleasing to the ears.

My first reaction was feeling hurtful - that a good friend would tell me that i had such a detestable flaw - and feeling angry - that a good friend would actually feel that I had such a detestable flaw when there are times when she herself and many others would use the same condescending tone against me, but i would just give it a pass and not bring it up to her, and feeling a bit wronged - for it is difficult to admit that I was such a mean person, a person with flaws in communication, for it was more often that I felt being treated this way, being laughed, teased, not treated seriously, by the people around me.

So initially, I tried not to show these strong emotions welling up inside me, trying to hide away the tears prickling my eyes, my broken heart and my face flushed with a mixture of embarrassment, fury and sadness.

And just asked her more details about how i behaved that way. Then there was self-denial. I tried to justify to myself that sometimes, I acted that way to exert some kind of authority over my friends, who would sometimes treat me with - in my opinion - little respect, just because I wouldn't exactly flare up at them for mocking me in a not very kind way...

But in the end, I was forced by my own conscience to admit silently to myself that yes, there are indeed moments when I am such a bitch, be it intentionally or unintentionally. and being treated the same harsh way was no excuse for the way I treat others. It's just how my dad always tells me, in his very wise words, how 1) never to lose your temper towards others no matter how bad they treat you, how wronged you feel etc.. for if people treat you in a certain way that you dislike, do not stoop to their standards and treat them the same way. Instead, always maintain a high moral ground - do what's right. and you'll be right and go to sleep with a guilt-free conscience and even the sweet dreams that you did right.

By then, tears were already welling up in my eyes, in guilt, in anger at myself, in disappointment at my flaws.. and if I didn't have more resolve, they would have become obvious to my friends.

But no, I told myself very resolutely that crying was not the way to go. Crying will only make my friends guilty for giving me such criticism about myself. They will feel as though they were wrong to tell me. No. They were completely right to tell me about this. And I should even be grateful to them, for having the courage to risk them getting into my bad books, for really caring about me to tell me about this. Not any random friend will care about you so much to want to make sure you are a good person. and besides my family and some other people, few have had the courage or energy to try to educate me.

So after acknowledging it, I had a few options: 1) learn from there, but not make amends to the friend whom I had hurt 2) not change, so that I won't be admitting that I made a mistake, that I was imperfect, that people were right in pointing out my "flaw" 3) learn from there, and make amends.

I decided with option 3.

It was not an easy decision. My ego can be big, but i assume everyone's ego is big too, and it was really quite difficult to humble myself to say that yes, I was wrong, I was ugly in this this this aspect. and to stop myself from saying that "well, but i did that because you did this...or I did that because everyone did that to me...or I just didn't know it..." all kinds of excuses that explains why you behaved in such an ugly way, without actually openly acknowledging to yourself and everyone that you did behave in an ugly way and that you were SORRY.

But then, it was time to grow up, to acknowledge to yourself and to others that I am imperfect and have much room for improvement, despite the several As and distinctions in my grades, despite having some friends, despite people not hating me in sch...and you know, you can always deny that you have such a flaw, but you cannot truly bluff yourself and everyone around you...for the truth is, you have that flaw, and if you do not acknowledge it and do not have the courage to change for the better, that flaw is going to appear over and over again in your life...and haunt you by damaging your relationships with others, and the respect others may have of you...

you can't really deceive life. This is not an exam in sch anymore where you cna smoke your way through. This is life. This is the adult world.

And when you make the same mistake again, you may not have good friends as these who care about you enough to tell you that you're wrong...

Then I'll have trouble when I study in the UK, when I meet other local doctors, when I have my own family, when I meet patients...

God helped me through this difficult struggle to. Today, I went to church. I made such a phenomenal decision in church today, it sort of changed my life a little. It started with baby steps in previous sessions...like raising my hand to ask for prayers to help me know god better, like being the only one of my church friends to stand up to pray that I can better communicate with God..and then, today, I actually left my seat where all my friends were, to go all the way down ALONE towards the stage, where the pastors can pray for me, to seek ears in my heart so that I can better listen to God's voice to tell me how to become a better christian, a better person, to lead a better life...

It was really scary. I'm so not the type of person who would care little about what other people think about me, and deviate from the crowd to do what I really felt was right. Perhaps sometimes, but definitely not something in which I had little understanding of and something which I was not at the zenith of - like religion...

Standing up and going down constituted so much more than just going to church every sunday despite my parents being buddhists and not really approving of me becoming a christian (they think it's like brainwashing)..it's like telling my friends, telling God, telling myself that yes, I am going to make that brave step forward to be open that I believe in God...

I don't know why I felt ashamed of myself. But I did. And I was tearing slightly as I went down the steps to join the crowd of strangers eager for Jesus. Maybe I was ashamed for being so embarrassed about acknowleding God so openly (after all, I just started going to church..so how can I proclaim to be a christian right?), about caring more about what my friends thought about me than what is the right thing to do, about being such a coward in standing up for what I wanted to do, of doing sth different from my peers...

Yeah, I shouldn't be that way at all! God is the greatest, the holiest all mighty. I should care more about pleasing him than anyone else. He should be the most important in my heart. Wanting to get to know God is a great thing! There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! And religion is a personal thing. It's about your relationship with God, no one else...

So I walked and walked. I pullled myself away from my comfort zone and really chose God above all else...and I gained so much. I feel so much more confident of myself as a baby Christian (hope I can call myself one now. I'm not very sure though hahaha......)

and I'm really grateful that jie ning and jeremy are such supportive, understanding friends...I wanted to go down so much, and just looked at jie ning with a funny gaze i think, trying to tell her silently how i feel, and she just smiled so big! i told her i wanted to go down, she just said " go lar!", so i did :) thanks jie ning! for always being there for me when I needed some support and courage. I love cornerstone! thank you for introducing it to me :)

yeah, so with the same mindset, I approached my sins revealed to me today by my close friend. God, wants us to be good people. God knows that we are sinners, we all are. But God, all so merciful and graceful, forgives us our sins, as long as we repent and believe in God, and love him for being such a wonderful Father. WE ARE SINNERS. so why should we be ashamed of our sins such that we hide them and not change them? WE ARE SINNERS, THEREFORE WE SHOULD RECOGNISE OUR FLAWS AND CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

rather admit you're wrong and change than think you're right and remain wrong...

sin is the worst thing in the eyes of God..aspiring to be without sin is the best in the eyes of the Lord.

So yes, AMEN.

2009-05-17T01:00:00.002+08:00

Just read sth interesting of a blog by a friend. It goes like this:

How to Make All Your Relationships Work
by By Peter S. Reznik, Ph.D. for www.SixWise.com

Humans are social beings. We are continually in relationship: with our selves, our loved ones, our co-workers, friends and community at large. The quality of our life depends on the quality of our relationships. How are your relationships? Are they a source of joy, fun, pleasure, learning and/or fulfillment? Or are they a source of frustration, hurt, disappointment, and/or anger?
If relationships are challenging for you, please consider the possibility that you, like many others, are suffering from a mistaken notion that the purpose of relationship is to love and to be loved.

So much is invested into:
"If she loves me how can she ... ?"
"Why is my friend doing so and so ... ?"
"How could my friend say this ... ?"
"Why is my boss so unfair?"

Accounts payable and accounts receivable are held meticulously for every hurt and every infraction. I am exaggerating. But not too much. Our Purpose is to Discover Our True Identity
Consider the possibility that our purpose in all our relationships is not about giving and receiving love but instead to discover our true identity -- to find out who we really are. As we see all our best and worst qualities being displayed before our eyes -- nothing will do it so clearly as being in a relationship -- we have an opportunity to choose to "climb the ladder of ourselves," to work toward becoming the best we can become ... or not.

The work on you in a relationship is quite simple. Keep in mind the principle underlying every spiritual tradition: "As above so below." This principle of the mirror, in which inner and outer are reflections of one another, teaches us that whatever or whoever we encounter in our lives, is the reflection of our own qualities, impulses, or beliefs.

Think of a person you really appreciate and, most likely, the qualities you like in this person are the qualities you like about yourself.

Now think about someone you do not like. You may discover that this person possesses qualities that you do not like about yourself, or have not yet recognized existing within you. People who possess those negative qualities will keep appearing in your life until you recognize the true message. Once you do, you may choose to work to weed out the qualities of yourself that you least appreciate.

Does this mean that if you have been victimized, you are a person who victimizes others? Perhaps. Or, it may mean that you victimize yourself, constantly criticizing yourself or not giving yourself enough credit for the hard work you do. When trying to understand meaning, look in broad terms.

If there is a thief in your surroundings see in what way you might be "stealing" too. Are you taking something that does not belong to you? Are you involved in a project that will take something away from someone? Are you making promises that you know you can't keep therefore making others wait in vain? This last example is the most severe form of stealing because time is the only thing you can never repay.

Making It Work!

The next time you see a person with whom you have a challenging relationship here are four steps you can take:
Mentally say to yourself, "Here comes my teacher."
Become aware of what qualities in this person are most irritating to you and try to identify in what ways these qualities reflect your own tendencies.
Remind yourself that this person, though a "teaching tool" for you, has his/her individual journey, and was this way before you, is this way with you, and will be this way after you. So, do not take it personally.
After having an encounter with this person, whether planned or unexpected, find a quiet place to do this short mental exercise: Close your eyes. Imagine a beam of white light coming out of your chest. As it extends about two feet beyond your body, see it curving to your right till it makes a complete circle around you. See the person in the distance. Breathe out gently and see your circle of light expanding in all directions until it embraces the person, and as it does, see the person lifting his/her eyes at you and smiling. Then open your eyes. Do this exercise for one week.

............ haha, i'm not quite sure why, but the small bit of revelation i got from reading this is sth i did not really expect and thus feel the need to write it down somewhere.

unlike others who would probably be feeling some kind of enlightenment on how to deal with difficult people who get on your nerves, I find myself thinking how obsess we are, and I am sometimes, about how to make relationships work for ourselves. It's as if we are in a constant search to make things work between us and other people. Why can't we just let lose and STOP trying so hard to make a relationship work out fine? Why can't we be happy simply by being ourselves and by letting ourselves be defined by our actions, our thoughts, our emotions rather than how many friends we have, the type of relationships we have with others, yada yada yada...

I anticipate many counter responses already. I can think of a few. though this is an idea i find interesting... that maybe we have some sort of inferiority complex, that causes us to seek love, friendship, romance etc...just to affirm to ourselves that hey, we're mr/ miss popular, we're good, phew.

2009-05-14T13:20:00.002+08:00

I am feeling extremely oer the moon today. though I'm unsure why. It could be because of the lack of sleep, causing excessive adrenaline to course through my arteries (funny how 'arteries' are more accurate here though the conventional saying is 'veins') or just the sheer exhilaration at the prospect of going to imperial to study medicine with a whole bunch of wacky people you might have little chance of meeting in Singapore.

So that you know, you might actually have a life outside studying.

Just chanced upon this blog during my random but most rewarding, uplifting, inspiring and reassuring perusals on medicine-related/ imperial-related stuff.

http://www2.imperial.ac.uk/blogs/studentblogs/jaimie/

It is quite awesome as this author is really quite humourous. Just look at how he describes his miserable attempts at waking up at 7am to study. It applies to me also, though I never had that kind of humour in me to paint such a comical picture of it. I really want to acquire that kind of elegant humour in my speech and writing and give the singaporean language a new breath of fresh air.

In particular, I find myself nodding vehemently in agreement as I read his post on Medical student's syndrome. I cannot emphasize how true it is. I'm already experience bouts and bouts of it now. I rmb distinctly one day when I went to National Neuroscience Institute and crashed a year 4 NUS students' lecture on the common neuro conditions, among which are stroke, caused by subdurral haemorrhage.. where damage to the veins that cross the subdural space, causing bleeding in the brain. This takes up volume in the brain and increases pressure in the brain (intracranial pressure - ICP), causing compression and damage to the brain tissue..which can result in medical emergencies.

(i got all these from wikipedia, so don't be deceived)

yeah, incidentally, when I showered at home that day, i knocked my head quite painfully against the tap and yeah, the first thought that came to my mind was: oh no, am I going to get a stroke some day soon and collaspe and die? What if it happens when I'm in the shower. then worse, I'll die without anyone knowing. Hm...I think it's best to wrap myself with a towel, so my dignity will be preserved. haha.

Yeah i'm super weird.

And recently, I came down with a slight flu, felt nose being blocked, throat bitter and dry.

First thought: swine flu? then i thought..but i haven't been in contact with anyone from mexico, and it's prob due to lack of sleep. maybe I shall rest get well and wait and see.

Then my flu went down a bit, but the next day my neck became sore. then i started wondering again: okay, either 1) common flu 2) swine flu but I didn't get it too severe and maybe i have some rare antibodies now that will make me famous if I donate them to some research agency and govt (which in retrospect was a really stupid thought in the first place) 3) cos i had done an internships at a hospice and national cancer centre, and learnt so things about nasopharyngeal cancers, thought maybe it was NPC.

Then i became a little smarter and prob reached the most accurate diagnosis: prob my flu hasn't recovered. neck contains lymph nodes.. so it's inflammed..meaning that there's increased activity there and therefore probably my immune system working up to combat the eeky flu virus.

So yeah, I can totally relate to what he's saying now. I means I'm already turning into a med nerd, which ner and sumien would totally agree with, cos when I dao them on msn, they say that i'm drowning in med books.

Well, i guess in a way that's a good thing. I love being a med nerd! I can totally drown in med books everyday. I went to borders recently and spotted the MED SHELF! wow, so many books about being a doctor, a nurse, physiology, anatomy, cardio...you name it. I wanted to rob a bank to get free money to buy all the books there I tell you. The only thing that stopped me was that I would be declined a palce at Imperial if I had a mere stain on my criminal record.

yeah. last thing. I think I'm disgusting my parents, my sister and my maid when I pause to study uncooked chicken and cooked chicken wing, and randomly update them about some health news I read up recently.

I wanna go imperial now. whee.

2009-05-14T03:57:00.002+08:00

Just watched grey's anatomy because i can't sleep.

I must admit that it is a slightly different experience when one watches it before hospital attachments and after because when you watch it after, you tend to cross-check the scenes you see with those in real-life.

Is it really all that heart-stopping?

A medical senior said no. Even in the A&E section, if you know your stuff well, it's more technical than anything. some strokes, some abdominal problems, heatstrokes once in a while...it's even less urgent in the specialities... where doctors devote their wisdom more to thinking through the clues gained from physical examinations, clinical interviews and history taking critically and communicating with the patient.

But I guess the message is the same.

In grey's anatomy, on the first day of internship, we see how interns treat everything like a game where the rules are simple: whoever performs well gets opportunities for learning like assisting with operations - rare opportunities that present itself with a small number of patients. They scramble. and they try their darn hardest to get that job. no matter what it takes - be it trying all sorts of tests on the patient, acting to hastily such that the wrong drug was prescribed, neglecting other patients, keeping vital information from each other...

the basic principle of non-maleficence gets thrown out of the window.

And throughout the whole time, I was just thinking...do I actually have what it takes to be a good doctor: thinking CORRECTLY on my feet, communicating with patients, doctors, family members, getting all the technicalities right...

it takes a lot to be a doctor. cos at the end of the day, we're gonna get out of medical school and into the real world, where we deal with real patients, prescribe real drugs, do real surgeries. We cannot hide behind the pillars of our schools where we mug for exams, make mistakes but not suffer the consequences, where we mug for exams to present a transcient positive image of ourselves as potentially competent doctors.

No, we will be making mistakes and learning to face up to the anger of family members and patients, the severe reproaches of our doctor-mentors, to face up to the emotional guilt of causing harm to a patient who trusted us to cure him.

and by then, even if we would want to give up all, to surrender to the "fact" that we are all not cut out to be doctors, it would be a tad too late.

I have and will again make this note that I, will not fall into the trap that my own ego sets for itself; that I will enter medical school not with the goal of being the best medical student, but with the goal of maximising the learning opportunities I will get at Imperial to become the most competent doctor of my batch. To show the doctors in Singapore that a student who graduated from Imperial where the students may study less, will be as qualified, if not more qualified to become a good doctor - be it in the technicalities or the art of communication.

I will. I shall. and I must.

For the sake of the patients.

And it starts from the little things: like doing what is needed for the patients, putting the patients first, before yourself, even if it means incurring a little more inconvenience.

Now here's how: as I read from an article written incidentally by a surgeon called Sarah.
16 May 2008

doctor moment
every once in awhile i have what i like to refer to as "doctor moments". these are occasions when i step up to the plate and do something that is usually slightly surprising to me, but also a true reflection of what it means to be a physician. today i had one.today i was in clinic, seeing patients on my own because the attending had a busy OR schedule. i was seeing a 47 year old woman for consideration of revision of her gastric bypass surgery because she had gained back almost all the weight she had lost since her surgeyr 7 years ago. luckily 10 minutes into talking with her my attending walked in and gave her the bad news that her surgery was still anatomically and structurally fine, there was not a surgical option for her, however he only stuck around for about 5 minutes after that. so i was wrapping things up, consoling her as she was visibly upset when she says to me, 'its fine, i am just going to go home and be done with this, and kill myself.' i tried to lighten the situation ask her if she really felt that way and try to console her more, but she kept saying she wanted to kill herself.so about 5 more minutes later i tell her i can't let her go home if she is feeling this way and ask her to just sit tight for a minute while i step out of the room. i go out in the hallway to try and recruit some help and 30 seconds later she is walking down the hallway next to me, pushing her walker. i talk to her some more as she is walking and then as she tries to get into the elevator, i physically stop her walker with my feet under the wheels and finally get her to return to a room.the next 20 minutes i spent attempting to figure out what my hospital's emergency mental health protocol is and ended up escorting the patient to the emergency room where she was subsequently evaluated by a mental health professional.needless to say, this moment brought mixed emotions. on one hand i know this woman was just crying out for help, she wasn't really going to committ suicide. on the other hand, i can't in good conscience let someone go home who feels like that. i must admit it was also a HUGE inconvenience for me to have to arrange for this woman's care over a what turned out to be 2 hour period while i was supposed to be seeing patients in clinic. i'm not sure if my attending (who did know what was going on, but basically chose to remove himself from the situation) thought that i was doing a good thing by taking care of this lady, or if he was annoyed that i wasn't seeing the clinic patients. either way, i guess it doesn't matter..what does matter is that today i made a difference in this woman's life. even if she ended up going home safe and in a better emotional place, i hope that my actions demonstrated to her that people care.
Posted by Sarah at 8:19 PM

2009-05-13T22:15:00.002+08:00

By letting go, you open your mind
you see new possibilities
you see change
and you discover something different, and hopefully something more suitable
and more suitable is better.

Sometimes, letting go means saying that you made the wrong choice. It means admitting that you were wrong. Sometimes our egos are big, and once we proclaim to the world our decision, no matter how wrong they seem to us after a while, we stick to our guns. and they eventually shoot us in the face till we have no choice but to surrender ourselves to reality.

Guess it means a few things: admitting that we made a mistake. forgiving ourselves. dealing with the negative words of others, if any.

and most imptly, learning to accept that losing "face" is less impt than doing the right thing. and that one day, we must learn to care less about other people's opinions and to care more about our own wellbeing -doing what is best for us. that means taking good care of ourselves. and less about our impact on others (like doing what would make others happy)...

and i think, that all these makes us mroe confident and happy people! that are strong, resilient and happy! qualities that will ultimately endear us to the right kind of people anyway!

jiayou everyone. may you and I be strong and may hope, faith and love continue to dwell in us all.

For i think that what we seek in the world we cannot find, for it is within us that we have to look - if you like this quote, it's actually from Sarah Tai.

2009-05-12T23:35:00.001+08:00

Sarah is becoming an increasingly irritable and irritating person. I need someone to cheer me up.

God, are you there?

2009-05-12T00:32:00.002+08:00

I just had my bloodtest!

It was really really really very painful!

The doctor was so annoying (well not really but you get my point). He didn't even say "okay, let's do a blood test now." He just turned round, got a tourniquet, and tied it around my upper arm, to constrict the venous vessels and control bloodflow. Then somehow while I was frantically coming to turns with the fact that at that moment, I was going to have that dreadfully scary bloodtest, he appears again in front of me quite magically with a syringe equipped with an approximately 6cm long needle!

Wah, i wanted to die. I was not mentally prepared at all. And the thing was that I think he was half-grinning at seeing a future med student who was doing the bloodtest for health clearance panic at the sight of a needle that was pointing towards her.

Omg, and it was so drama please. I think it was free entertainment for him. Cos he approached me with the needle, and INSTINCTIVELY, I just backed away and stretched out my hand ready to push the needle away. I backed away so far that I actually pushed away my seat and my body was turning towards the door. Then my mum cornered me and wrapped her arms "protectively" around me. And okay, so I was succumbed. Forced to my seat. And I said "WAIT. Tell me how pain it is" and he gave what most docs would give, a not very helpful ans: "needle pain lor." and then he did it.

My face was turned away in grimace and i was clawing myself in an attempt to generate prostagladins in my arm, tht would hopefully be in an abundance that would render the ones generated by the needle insignificant. and

Omg, so it wasn't so painful. but i kept uttering rubbish during then...I said quite sarcastically that now i knew what a bloodtest felt like - an ANT'S BITE. think the doc laughed a little at me being so angry with the needle.

but after that was a nightmare. My hand became numb. But the doc dismissed it as normal symptoms from high adrenaline.

So I thanked him and walked out of the clinic, as I didn't want to infect my open wound with any microorganisms. THEN, as I was standing outside, my head started throbbing, my arms and hands and then legs kinda started feeling pins and needles, then a throbbing pain, then numbness. And my head became dizzy, my vision blurred and my whole body felt so weak and drained of blood.

I panicked, but I was so weak I couldn't really run back into the clinic. So I rested against the wall and grasped onto the side of the clinic door and shouted for my mum. She escorted me into the clinic to sit and the nurse came.

Some patients were very kind to give me suggestions on what to do to not slip into oblivion. But then, the nurse was the most reassuring presence. She was like my lifeline then. I just wanted to hug her and hide in her embrace.

Then they escorted me to the room to lie down. And finally blood returned back to my brain so that I could see again, think, and move my limbs. I totally had the feeling of blood having left me and returning again.

no idea where the blood disappeared to though.

I think most prob to the wound in my arm.

Anyway, later the nurse and my mum said that before that my lips were white.. that was how bad i was.

And now, my arm still hurts. Guess I'm destined to inject others and not myself. But I better get over this, or i'll just die with more vaccinations and injections to come.

2009-05-11T21:39:00.003+08:00

I realise that I have quite a number of things to do in order to feel more reassured in the coming months. Some are necessary tasks to complete. Others are more for personal development.

1. Learn about the UK culture and getting around overseas, buy medical books and other stuff needed for study overseas
2. Learn driving! and get license before september!
3. Learn malay!
4. Learn about personal grooming
5. Learn to play the violin

tons and tons of things to do.

Don't really feel like giving tuition to earn money anymore. bleagh. I'm not really learning anything. But still, I need to make some money to cover for my expenses right?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silent thoughts that few would like to hear.

2009-05-08T23:12:00.002+08:00

Sarah is irritated. Some people take me for granted. seriously. which is super irritating because i don't think that just because i'm a bit more considerate about other people's feelings somethings that that should mean that people can trample over mine.

I think i shall start using fewer exclamation marks, smiley faces and hahas from now on. cos irritating and annoying people don't care about my feelings. and i see no point in pretending that i'm not thoroughly irritated with their annoyingness anymore.

2009-05-08T21:20:00.002+08:00

chao irritated now.

how do you feel like organising something which everyone seems quite nonchalent about.

guys are super irritating and super insensitive to people's feelings. sometimes.

irritated and annoyed.

2009-05-08T00:25:00.002+08:00

It's such an awful feeling when you have a blocked ear and you drown it further with eardrops. I think some of the eardrops actually flow towards your nose and throat and makes you feel like you have some kind of flu :(

........

anyway, went to the hospice today again.

Some patients are really not feeling too good, can't eat, can't move, always sleepy and in pain..... and to think tht they were walking so strongly in the hospice a few months back, demanding for all kinds of food and chatting, joking and even helping one another....

you know, they are just waiting to die.

They say that all the time.

I try to comfort them, telling them that as long as they change their mindset and see things in a diferent light, perhaps everyday is still worth living. But it's really not that easy, especially when you have to convince somebody who is spending most of his or her time sleeping, unaware of his or her surroundings; or otherwise awake, in extreme pain, and in the lowest of lowest dignity because he or she has to rely on others for even the most basic things such as going to the bathroom, feeding herself, breathing...

and all simply to live...to do what?

Perhaps some people think that this suffering before death is a necessary stage in life. Afterall, we cannot expect everything in life to be moments of comfort can we? And it would be really ridiculous to think that a healthy walking person can drop dead suddenly too. No, though we should continue harnessing science to help patients live consciously, with dignity and with as much comfort and meaning in the last few days of their lives as possible, it would be - in my opinion - highly impossible for suffering to be entirely eliminated.

Anyway, meaning of life would be lost.

I'm feeling so hot sitting in my family room with no fan no air con and the hot orange lights because my sister is sleeping in my room now. >.<
..........................................

Thank you Lord for everything.

2009-05-03T19:56:00.001+08:00

It's better for our actions to be seen, rather than for our words to be heard.

I am emboldened.

2009-04-29T17:26:00.007+08:00

I want a dog. please please please please please.

My favourites puppies!

1. Maltese/ Maltese X Shih Tzu

2. Yorkshire Terrier

3. Beagle

4. Shetland sheepdog

(Don't really like retrivers anymore, they're just too big when they grow up and I've seen how they degenerate realy badly when they get old...it's too cruel :(...)

Information about each breed down below! :)

Maltese

Breed Group: Toy
Weight: 4-7 lbs
Height: 9-10 inches
Color(s): white
Coat: The Maltese has an elegant mantle of long, silky hair. The coat is straight, lacks an undercoat, and is pure bright white in color. They are non-shedding. Their luxurious cloak of white is the hallmark of the Maltese.

Overview: The Maltese is considered to be the oldest of the European Toy breeds. Nobles, royals, and aristocracy favored them. They are very well mannered and affectionate. The Maltese displays a graceful and regal demeanor.

Character: The Maltese exudes great joy and delight. They are highly intelligent, animated, and playful. They are very social. They are happy and content being the center of attention whether they are with their family or in the show ring. This endearing breed is bright, loving, and a deeply devoted companion.

Temperament: The Maltese is gentle, trusting, and obedient. They are typically good natured and amiable and love to be held and cuddled. They will tolerate other pets, but are not suitable for inconsiderate or ill-behaved children. They most often will establish a close bond with one person. They do not do well when left alone for extended periods of time. They may be over-protective of their owner, family, and territory, and bark or bite if they perceive a threat. They are a fearless, vigorous, and agile breed. The Maltese commit themselves fully to their owner and families.

Care: The Maltese coat requires daily brushing and combing to prevent matting. The coat is extremely soft and silky, so gentle care is highly recommended. They need to be bathed or dry shampooed on a regular basis. The eyes need daily cleaning to prevent staining. It is also important to keep their ears clean and free from stray hair. They may be prone to eye problems, skin disorders, and respiratory problems. The Maltese do not do well in very hot climates or damp conditions. They may be finicky eaters and suffer indigestion. Dental hygiene is important to prevent tooth loss.

Training: The Maltese may be difficult to housebreak so crate training is recommended. They do best with early socialization. Training must never be harsh in nature. It must be done with gentle love, consistency, reward, and patience. They are adept at learning tricks. The Maltese does not need extensive obedience training, as they are naturally obedient to their Master.

Activity: The Maltese does not require a high level of exercise. They are suitable for apartment or condominium living. They enjoy a daily walk, indoor play sessions, or a romp and run in a secured small yard. The Maltese loves to be social, so a play date at the park is always welcomed. They must be supervised and securely leashed.

Maltese X Shih Tsu

Breed: Maltese x Shih TzuTemperament: friendly, outgoing, boisterous

Appearance: The Maltese x Shih Tzu is a small dog with an abundant coat. It may resemble either of the parent breeds but usually does not have the short nose and boggle eyes of the Shih Tzu. Where the pure Maltese is prone to tear staining, the stains don't show up quite so much in the cross breed.

Temperament: Breeders say these dogs are gutsy, gregarious and outgoing and are excellent with any age group. Like any breed, they need to be socialised and treated like a dog, rather than a baby. The Maltese can be highly strung and snappy but crossing them with the aloof Shih Tzu produces a dog that is friendly and outgoing and good with people.

Health and lifespan: Cross bred dogs are generally hardier than purebreds but can still have a few health problems. Luxating patellas are occasionally seen in the Maltese X Shih Tzu and they can be prone to hydrocephalus and liver shunts. Pure bred Shih Tzu can have problems with their eyes, but there are less eye problems in the cross as they don't have the squashed-in face of the Shih Tzu.

An average lifespan for this breed is 12 -14 years.

Breeding: This cross seems to produce a dog that is relatively predictable. Despite some problems with slipping patellas the dogs seem, by all accounts to have nice temperaments and have the best of both worlds.

Costs: Pet shops charge upwards of $300 for these little dogs which have become popular over recent years.

Space and housepet potential: The Maltese x Shih Tzu is an ideal size for the house but will need training to ensure it behaves inside the house.

Ideal Owner: The Maltese x Shih Tzu is ideal for families who want a small active dog that has a happy personality, or older people looking for a companion. Owners say the dogs are happy to romp with children, but can be too boisterous for very young children. The dogs should have regular walks, but are also happy to exercise themselves in the backyard.

Grooming: These dogs need regular grooming otherwise their coat will tangle and become matted. It is possible to reduce the amount of grooming required by having the dog shaved or clipped every three months. This costs about $35. Pet owners definitely need to clip the dogs if they don't have time to groom.

Popularity: The Maltese x Shih Tzu is one of the most popular cross breeds available in pet shops. They are just as popular as purebreds, and breeding the crosses are far less random than people imagine.

Yorkshire Terrier

Breed Group: Toy
Weight: 7 lbs
Height: 8-9 inches
Color(s): blue and tan. Yorkshire Terriers are born black, gradually attaining their blue and tan coloration as they mature.
Coat: The Yorkshire Terrier's coat is not coarse, but is fine and silky to the touch. Unlike other breeds, which have fur, the Yorkshire has hair that is growing constantly. They have no undercoat and do not shed.

Overview: The Yorkshire Terrier is a lovely lap dog that much prefers to be held on their owner's lap all day. They have a dose of attitude combined with a bright and playful nature. The Yorkshire Terrier is a true and loyal companion.

Character: This dog is intelligent, lively, and fearless. They focus entirely on their owner and are extremely affectionate. It has been said that a Yorkshire Terrier requires more human companionship and attention than any other breed.

Temperament: The Yorkshire Terrier can be territorial and likes to have their space respected. They are tolerant of older children if treated with care. The Yorkshire Terrier can also be somewhat independent and assertive. They get along well with other pets.

Care: The Yorkshire Terrier's coat requires daily grooming. The hair on top of the head, if grown long, is usually secured with a band or bow. However, if the Yorkshire Terrier is not being used for show, then the coat may be clipped short. Ears and eyes must be cleaned daily. Dental hygiene is also important.

Training: This breed is quick to learn. However, they may become willful in which case training of any kind can become difficult. Training must have consistency and firmness. They do not like to be ignored, so lots of praise will bring out the best in their training.

Activity: The Yorkshire Terrier requires minimal exercise. They are suited for short walks and ideal for apartment living or homes with small yards. They love to chase shadows, lay in sunbeams, and tug of war. The more attention this breed receives the better.

Beagle

Breed Group: Hounds
Weight: 18-30 lbs
Height: 13 inches
Color(s): any true hound color (tricolor)
Coat: The Beagle has a hound type coat of medium length making grooming relatively easy for this breed. The hair should lie close to the body of the dog and should be hard, never soft or silky. The Beagle looks like a small English Foxhound. Beagles have a very sleek and shorthaired coat.

Overview: The Beagle was originally bred for hunting purposes and does remarkably well. Being a scent hound, this breed has the tendency to follow his nose and ignore anything and everything so obedience training at an early age is a must. The Beagle originated as a cross between the Harrier and many other hounds in England. This breed does best when hunting hare, pheasant, or quail.

Character: The Beagle is full of energy and does great in a family environment. They are very lively, active, and high energy making a wonderful childs companion given the proper socialization. This breed is alert and of even temperament and should never show signs of aggression or timidity. The Beagle can be very mischievous and very bold at times so proper precautions must be taken when training and/or socializing this fun loving breed.

Temperament: The Beagle is an all around happy dog that makes a wonderful companion for many different families. This breed adapts to many different environments and lifestyles, if not all. The Beagle is very eager to please, and is very intelligent however training must be consistent as this breed tends to lose interest and focus on something that catches his attention. This breed does extremely well with children, and can do exceptionally well with other pets if socialized properly.

Care: Beagles should require daily brushing to remove any dead or loose hair. A wipe down with a damp towel should suffice for the bathing aspect, however a rubber, wire, or hard bristled brush would work best for the brushing aspect. The ears of this breed should be cleaned on a regular basis, as this breed is prone to painful ears or ear infections. The nails of the Beagle should also be trimmed. This breed is an average shedder, which can be controlled with regular combing.

Training: The Beagle is very intelligent and very eager to please making him a wonderful student to work with. However, they do tend to lose interest fairly quickly as they are bound to pick up a scent and follow it. This is when obedience training definitely comes in handy. If properly trained, the Beagle should listen however, if not trained properly, ignoring is a big problem. Consistency and firm yet gentle handling is a must if this breed is to excel as they so desperately want to.

Activity: The Beagle is fairly active and loves long and vigorous walks, as they are the outdoorsy type. Considering they have a very strong hunting instinct, this breed should always be kept on a leash or in a fenced in yard as he is bound to run off if something catches his interest. Two long daily walks are recommended, as this breed seems to have great stamina and be somewhat tireless. The Beagle responds best in a home with a large yard.

Shetland Sheepdog

Breed Group: Herding
Weight: 20 lbs
Height: 13-16 inches
Color(s): Black, blue merle, and sable, marked with varying amounts of white and/or tan
Coat: The Shetland Sheepdog, better known as the Sheltie has a long double coat, sporting a frill around the neck area. The coat of the Sheltie needs extensive grooming on a regular basis.

Overview: Resembling a Miniature Collie, this breed is an absolute delight to own. Intelligent, sweet, gentle, making this dog a great companion animal. Throughout the years, this breed has become very popular and is said to have almost a human like intelligence. Sometimes wary of strangers, the Sheltie also loves to bark persistently.

Character: A sweet disposition, this loveable breed does have a very strong herding instinct often nipping at ankles and chasing cars. This is a home breed and should not be kept in a kennel like environment. The Shetland Sheepdog is very affectionate and lovely, yet can be protective of his owner and/or territory. This dog loves being an in-home companion and would gladly lie down on the couch next to his family.

Temperament: High energy, active, very trainable, this breed has a well-rounded and even temperament giving him the idealistics for a household pet. The Shetland Sheepdog does well with children, but children should be properly trained to handle a dog of any breed. Used as a watch dog, this gentle breed will not attack without being repeatedly provoked so does not do well for guarding. Great for herding, this dog is still commonly used for herding purposes in a country environment and does exceptionally well.

Care: Regular brushing is necessary to keep the coat smooth and free of tangles. The long coat of the Sheltie does tend to trap dirt so supervision is necessary unless regular bathing is not a problem. Heavily shedding during certain seasons, the hair can become a mess so grooming is particularly important during this stage.

Training: The Sheltie is very easy to train and does very well in obedience and herding given the right methods and trainer. Having a human like intelligence, Shetland Sheepdogs are willing to obey, and very eager to do so. Does very well in working environments being that the herding instinct is still very strong.

Activity: This high-energy breed should have regular exercise. Most prefer to allow their Shelties to run free but must be in a fenced in yard, as this breed loves to chase things and will surely bolt if given the opportunity and visual stimulation. An average sized yard would be ideal for this small yet lively breed.

Muax! I love you! Kiss kiss, hugs hugs! :)

2009-04-29T00:31:00.003+08:00

Caution: This post is about my thoughts on Christianity. I apologise if it offends anyone as I understand that religion can be a sensitive topic.

What does it take to become a Christian?

Is it enough just to believe?

Do I believe?

What does it take to make me believe? In the past, Jesus could perform tons of miracles with himself in the human form, to show the world that he is God's son and that God really existed. Perhaps he is doing his magic through others in the same way, perhaps many things that have resulted in who I am and who many people are today are not simple coincidences but the work of God,like the fact that my grandmother hasn't gotten a relapse of breast cancer, like the fact that we are happily and healthily alive.

But, as I learn more and more about science, behind curing illnesses, or the limitations of medicine in curing illnesses, the more I tend to boil the recoveries from diseases and the false alarms to science rather than faith.

How much space do I then leave God to perform his miracles to me? To show me that he exists?

He is definitely not obliged to prove to me anything. Nor am I even in the position to demand of any proof, or to test him. For it is I who need him and not the other way round.

Yes, I need you God. You have no idea how confused I am about a hundred thousand issues. I need you guidance, an answer to my confusion in life. I am at my crossroads now, unsure of the choices to make that would shape a great deal of my life forever.

I have trouble even identifying what's from you and what's from myself.

If you can't help me to listen, how am I going to get advice from you on how to listen in the first place? This is so very vexing, especially if you know that you can't do this alone.

2009-04-26T21:07:00.003+08:00

I really really HATE cockroaches!

I know it's not right to use the word HATE. But i'm sorry, i really really cannot stand them AT ALL. They're like one of the most disgusting creatures i've ever seen!!! It's like the epitome of filth and disgustingness.

And I scream for help everytime i see them. And my dad and sister will ask me to keep quiet. I'll scream at my dad to kill that stupid cockroach (yeah, though killing is not right either :( ....) and he'll REFUSE at first! Which is so so irritating because i know it's just to have fun seeing me so perturbed byh the presence of the cockroach. and i'll scream at him for being so irritating in poking fun at me, and he'll shout back at me for being such a wussy and that my husband-in-the-future will have to know how to catch cockroaches or else I'll just die when the first one appears........ and after much quarreling (which i think he secretly enjoys because it's the only time when he can totally help me solve my problems and when I'll actually plead with him to help me), he will kill that cockroach for me.

ARGH. I'm sorry cockroaches, I really don't like killing you guys. It's not right, cos you guys have the right to live to. But you could help by being cleaner and less filthy and disgusting you know. And by not coming into my room.

Yeah, I'm so sorry, but i just can't help being so disgusted by you.

:(

2009-04-25T16:54:00.002+08:00

Sarah is very irritable and moody today.

So she snapped at her dad and mum a lot. and is feeling super irritated with herself as a result.

Sarah thinks to herself today a thousand times: It's so difficult to be a good person who never vents her anger at someone else. On one hand, we can try to be nice to everyone around us and try to smile when we feel irritated, try to hold in our anger when we are irritated with someone. BUT, then what would we be like then? A perfect person who smiles no matter what she is feeling inside? How can our friends and family know our feelings and empathise with us? They must have some psychic ability!

On the other hand, we may show our feelings and in turn hurt others. How is that a good daughter/ sister/ friend?

I hate this.

2009-04-21T22:50:00.003+08:00

Today was such a nice party! Pls remind me, I shall upload photos real soon, WHEN i figured how to do so.

Celebrated Nette's 19th birthday today! And it was totally heartwarming to see like the whole bunch of us, who would never imagine to still hang out quite often after JC, to be eating a nice chinese meal on the round table of 7 at Crystal Jade at Lvl 4 Taka. yups, the regular group of random people (random because it's always a random combination of us: Nick Tong, Ben, Nette, Shi Hua, Giraffe, Jie Ning, Siang Huat, Cheo, Yelin, Ngiam, Wei Yuan, Mandy, Zhi Ying, Wan Joo....TONS of RANDOM people man...)

Okay, so this time it was (in clockwise order starting from me): ME, Shi Hua, Jie Ning, Nette, Nick Tong, Nick Tong's bag and invisible ideal partner (who made him self jack so many times), Giraffe and Ben.

It felt so like some chinese new year eve dinner!!!! Feels like we are definitely older and enjoying your traditional food rather than the hip western meals that youngsters tend to like. Felt rather weird, nostalgic and fearful of aging at the same time.....

And YAY, Tmr back to NCC!!!

I'm some med-nerd like seriously. When I was slacking and being a housewife for the past week, I was totally enjoying my slack time and felt that I should stop going to hospitals and stuff because after going 3 months of it, I should be feeling quite sick of them now and I should stop and recharge myself so that during med sch, I'll not burn out.

BUT BUT BUT, I stepped back into NCC on mon, and the adrenaline just started coming back again! I loved clinics as usual, and felt like some nosey poker at the wards, always straining my neck, ears and eyes just to see as much as possible of what was happening, to learn as much as possible...and like some totally annoying reporter asking the doctors tons of questions when they were not as busy and had the chance to answer my questions....

I loved it more when the docs would open their golden mouths and pour out wise words of wisdom, like today's tutorial with 3 year 2 going year 3 med students on

clinical examination (type of questions to ask for each type of symptoms (for respiratory, cardiac, circulatory, musculoskeletal, neuro, endocrine, gynae), Ten questions to ask of pain (Time-related: when did it occur? How did it progress? When was the climax? When was the lowest point? How frequently?.......non-time related: Intensity (e.g. acute?), radiate?, Type of pain? where? aggravating and relieving factors?)

sch exams vs reality,

history taking,

clinical interview,

physical examinations,

signs vs symptoms,

feelings vs perception,

organic vs mechanical pain,

flaws of health system,

future of medicine (higher patient expectations, translational research, individualised treatments, "corruption" of the purity of medicine goals in serving patients' needs with pharmaceutical companies sponsored drugs and treatments, govt policies, clinical trials, limited resources)

OMG lots lots more. Have to take time off to write it all down! I think i shall stick around a bit more, cos i realised I can't get enough of medicine AT ALL.

<3

2009-04-20T22:34:00.002+08:00

I think i'm falling sick!

Ew, what an awful time to do so!

I really want all my energy so that I can sap all the wisdom from all the doctors I'm interning under right now! This cannot happen just when the precious opportunity to learn all I can about the art of medicine from the pro doctors presents itself!

Bleagh, vitamin C never works wonders for me!

Help!

I love the healthcare settings so so much! HAHA...can't believe that even after 3 weeks of hiatus, I'm still loving it all!

I apologise for my randomness in this post. I just want to blog down all my thoughts in the fastest manner and go sleep and get well.....haha..........BURBYE.

2009-04-18T19:17:00.002+08:00

I dislike people who use patronising tones to talk to people, and in particular to me (since I feel it most acutely when directed at myself)

"Stop judging me." I would say silently to the person whom I feel is using a patronising tone towards me. I wouldn't say it out. I would just bite my tongue.

Then a whole string of thoughts would race throug my head, like a debate, some substantiating my stand; others refuting it.

The ones that support my stand:

Who are you to judge me, when you are flawed to? Who are you to say what is right and what is wrong, when you hardly know the truth? Who are you to pass judgment on me, when you do not know me well enough, when me myself admits that I do not know me?

Then, an inner voice chastises me.

Then who are you to judge that person as patronising and annoying and arrogant and whatever distasteful adjectives you associate that person with?

So you think that you're some FLAWLESS, RIGHTEOUS, UN-PATTRONISING PERSON?

Maybe the person had some sense in pointing out your flaws. And even if you don't accept them now, that doesn't give you the right to defame the person's image that is in your mind.

It then strike me that perhaps this blame game is part of human nature (not meaning that it is therefore acceptable though!):

See, the power to BLAME others is like a SHUTTLE. Like in the game of badminton, the objective is not to have the shuttle placed in your court. So suppose that person is being, in my view, patronising, I perceive him as placing the shuttle in my court.

That is undesirable to me, of course. I want to win the game, not lose.

So I hurriedly place the shuttle back into his court, by saying that he is to be BLAMED. Why? For being patronising.

But little did I know that by criticising him as being patronising, I had taken the SHUTTLE/ BLAME and placed it in his court. So the table is turned:

While I no longer have the SHUTTLE/ BLAME in my court,

I find myself in the original position of the patronising person, whose act incites blame from the other party.

Looking further, I might have wanted to BLAME the other party when the SHUTTLE/ BLAME was in my court, BECAUSE I wanted to absolve myself from the BLAME/SHUTTLE.

So it really seems as though the game is a lose-lose situation. If we pass the BLAME to others, we are to be BLAMED. If we do not, we are also to be BLAMED.

Okay, this is really confusing.

2009-04-10T18:31:00.002+08:00

Si on pense à une certaine personne tout le temps - quand on regarde la télé, quand on lit un livre, des heures des jours après le moment du rendez-vous, ça veut dire quoi?

Je pense, c'est simplement une infatuation.

Et si on se sent tout à l'aise dans sa presence, et si on peut rire, sourire et penser à la même chose et se comprendre sans parler, est-ce que c'est plus qu'une infatuation?

Et si on préfère parler face-à-face, plutôt que pars les écrans d'ordinateur, et par conséquent, ne parle pas beaucoup, sauf pendants les occasions précieuses, ça veut dire quoi?

Je me dis tout le temps que c'est presque impossible.

Mais je n'ai pas encore trouvé un autre plus compatible pour moi.

2009-04-10T00:33:00.002+08:00

My plan for the next few weeks: learn to be a good housewife/maid! haha...
I'm making progress k! So far, I've already learnt how to make fried rice, the noodles of wanton mee (hurhur), mince pork and cabbage porridge, crepes, french toast, marcaroni soup...

HAHA...so people, don't look down on me! heehee....

I'm gonna learn how to wash my clothes and iron them soon! and learn how to make dinner dishes! blah blah blah...

Yeah, I think I will try to find a job at Coffee Bean or sth. It's such a useful skill to learn how to make the different types of caffeinated drinks. Esp since in medicine we would probably be burning midnight oil in some point of time or another. I heard the training there is like lifelong, so learn once, and you can work in most coffee outlets!

Whee... this is fun!

2009-04-09T03:46:00.002+08:00

Sigh...

Keep catching myself thinking about the hospice these days...

About those who died, about those who may die...

After a while, the faces there are new again. And it really strikes you, how short a time you know them, but how strong a bond you form, and then how fast everything just fades away...

As if you just saw a leaf fall.

That's how short life is.

Don't walk away

2009-04-07T14:28:00.002+08:00

Don't be afraid.

When you have so much sincerity,

When you have so much passion,

When you have so much conviction

Don't be afraid.

Afraid that all but those who judge you will notice.

For ultimately, You are your own judge.

And I have nothing to fear.

For I am true in my beliefs,

Only not in myself

Confidence

Let us shine through <3

2009-04-06T21:25:00.002+08:00

If the NUS admissions board is reading this,

I just want to say. I am really really honest and sincere about my desire to study medicine. It is not about the money, the fame, "glory", "prestige", "reputation" whatsoever.

It is PARTLY because i feel a great sense of satisfaction in helping others with medical knowledge so in some sense, as the interviewers call it , it's PARTLY self-gratification.

But it's definitely not all of that. Most of it is simply because i find much meaning in helping the sick and dying. Health to me is such an important aspect of life. If I am able to use my knowledge to relieve the suffering of people from bad health, i feel like this dedicated and passion to what i'm doing can sustain me through any challenges med school and my work as a doctor will put me through.

Sometimes, after the interviews, after reflecting upon the answers I gave to the questions, I so wanted to slap myself for choosing the wrong word, prioritising my answers wrongly such that I may have given you the wrong impression of myself. Not that I am trying to put on a false front to get into anyone's good books, but I am afraid my communication skills were not up to standard such that you fully understood what I wanted to say.

But all in all, I really hope that my sincerity in wanting to do medicine and become a good doctor in service of patients and not myself comes across strongly.

And that some how or another, I get to do medicine at a place that will best train me to become the best doctor I can be so that I can give the best treatment possible to my patients, which will be Singaporeans.

Thank you.

2009-04-05T10:32:00.001+08:00

Got this from my friend's blog.

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns.
Go for the man/woman of deeds and not for the man/woman of words, for you will find rewarding happiness, not with the man/woman you love but with the man/woman who loves you more.
The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but never too far to feel the love within your being.
To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving; it only means that you allow that person to find his/her own happiness without expecting him/her to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it.
You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today.
There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves. You don’t have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving.
Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.
Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love, that doesn’t mean you failed in love.
Cry if you have to, but make sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.
There are two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive, no past so bitter that love cannot accept, and no love so little that we cannot start all over with."

whoever knew einstein could offer such good advice on love! haha.

2009-03-25T23:50:00.001+08:00

Sarah is going to be a happy girl!

Sarah is going to live life to the fullest and not worry too much about the future!

Sarah is going to love the people she meets, and the life she will be living!

Sarah is not going to let things in her life affect her happiness!

whee! :)

2009-03-25T01:39:00.003+08:00

“In a paragraph of 50 to 100 words, please share with us how you see yourself in 7 to 10 years’ time.”

Got this from Royce's blog. Surprise surprise, bet he doesn't even know I read his blog.

He blogs in a similar way to Nick Tong, in my opinion (though i bet Nick Tong will beg to differ). Hence, I find great pleasure reading it too. Cos I can understand what they are saying. haha. Sometimes people just can't understand each other. It's no big deal. Just maybe different wavelengths, different perspectives.

Yes, so back to the question. How will I see myself in 7 to 10 years' time?

To tell you the truth,

I can't picture myself that far.

I have dreams and wishes.

I have someone I like and wish to be with that person I truly love in a stable, yet romantic and sweet relationship where I can feel at ease and yet thoroughly happy.

I would like to become a good doctor, who can diagnose, interact with patients, handle the most controversial ethical, legal, sociopsychological issues surrounding patients and the healthcare team with aplomb and finesse, and treat patients such that they leave the hospital with a better quality of life.

I wish to become a more matured individual, who knows how to better interact with the world, be it by my dressing, my subtle eye movements and body language, my diction and tone and the content of my language. I wish to be able to communicate my thoughts in a more tactful and honest manner. Especially with the healthcare team, my patients, my family, my friends, my loved ones.

I hope to gain a better understanding of myself, be more introspective, aware of my emotions and my reactions and thus gain a better control of myself.

I hope to understand my sprituality better, how the world ticks, how my life ticks, and my place in this world.

I hope to become a more big-hearted person, more compassionate, gentle, loving, kind, understanding and patient person. Hopefully a more motherly, but not so naggy and intolerable person.

And of course, a more contented, happy, quietly confident person who is buoyed by love (from others and from herself)

:)

As long as I find someone I love, have a career I love, I would be very much contented living in my small world that concerns just my loved ones, my family, our close friends, my patients, my healthcare team...and hopefully a dog ! heehee :)

An Ideal Husband

2009-03-25T00:43:00.006+08:00

Yay, I'm so proud of myself!

I managed to comprehend an entire play written in a book, despite not being a literature student or a theatre studies person. :)))))

And it was awesome. Full of wit.

Oscar Wilde is great. No wonder Mila was so eager to kiss his tombstone without hesitation on a nice cool winter morning in the famous cemetery of Paris :) And apparently, she wasn't one of the first few - There were so many lipstick marks there already.

The play I read was An Ideal Husband by Oscar Wilde. I was interested in how there can be such a thing! and what qualities an ideal husband should have. lol.

Anyway, i totally enjoyed it! I can totally imagine Oscar Wilde to be this charming, witty guy flirting with tons of young ladies all swooning over him.

Basically, the play is an 1895 comedic stage play which revolves around blackmail and political corruption, and touches on the themes of public and private honour. It also depicts certain gender stereotypes during that era (that may well be present today too).

I shan't bore you with the details and spoil the surprise. If you're interested, just go read it. It's definitely worth your perusal.

What I shall do is pick out the parts I love best.

1. Second Act: When Lady Chiltern finds out that her beloved, supposedly infallible, can-do-no-wrong-and-absolutely-honorable husband, Sir Robert Chiltern was involved in a corruption case in his younger days, which actually formed the foundation of his present wealth and power.

Lady Chiltern: No, don't speak! Say nothing! Your voice wakes terrible memories - memories of things that made me love you - memories that now are horrible to me. And how I worshipped you! You were to me something apart from common life, a thing pure, noble, honest, without stain. The world seemed to me finer because you were in it, and goodness more real because you lived. And now - oh, when I think that I made of a man like you my ideal! The ideal of my life!

Sir Robert Chiltern: There was your mistake. There was your error. The error all women commit. Why can't you women love us, faults and all? Why do you place us on monstrous pedestals? We have all feet of clay, women as well as men: but when we men love women, we love them knowing their weaknesses, their follies, their impefections, love them all the more, it may be, for that reason. It is not the perfect, but the imperfect, who have need of love. It is when we are wounded by our own hands, or by the hands of other, that love should come to cure us - else what use is love at all? All sins, except a sin against itself, Love should forgive. All lives, save loveless lives, true Love should pardon. A man's love is like that. It is wider, larger, more human than a woman's. Women think that they are making ideals of men. What they are making of us are false idols merely. You made your false idol of me, and I had not the courage to come down, show you my wounds, tell you my weaknesses. I was afraid that I might lose your love, as I have lost it now. And so, last night you ruined my life for me -yes ruined it! What this woman asked of me was nothing compared to what she offered me. She offered security, peace, tability. The sin of my youth, that I thought was buried, rose up in front of me, hideous, horrible, with tis hands at my throat. I could ahve it killed it forever, sent it back into its tomb, destroyed its record, burned the one witness against me. You prevented me. No one but you, you know it. And now what is there before me but public disgrace, ruin, terrible shame., the mockery of the world, a lonely dishonoured life, a lonely dishonoured death, it may be, some day? Let women make no more ideals of men! Let them not put them on altars and bow before them, or they may ruin other lives as completely as you - you whom I have so wildly loved - have ruined mine!

2. Fourth Act: When Lady Chiltern convinced Sir Robert to give up his new post in the Cabinet of Ministers bestowed upon him in recognition of his righteous act against the Argentine Scheme. Sir Goring, Lady Chiltern's and Sir Robert's closest and best friend, advises her against it and she is convinced by him.

Lord Goring: Do not for that reason set him down now too low. If he has fallen from his alter, do not thrust him into the mire. Failure to Robest would be the very mire of shame. Power is his passion. He would lose everything,even his power to feel love. Your husband's life at this moment in your hands, yoru husband's love is in your hands. Don't mar both of them.

Enter Sir Robert

Sir Robert: Gertrude, here is the draft of my letter. Shall I read it to you?

Lady Chiltern: Let me see it.

Sir Robert hands her the letter. She reads it, and then, with a gesture of passion, tears it up.

Sir Robert: What are you doing?

Lady Chiltern: A man's life is of more value than a woman's. It has larger issues, wider scope, greater ambitions. Our lives revolve in curves of emotions. It is upon lines of intellect that a man's life progresses. I have just learnt this, and much else with it, from Lord Goring. And I will not spoil your life for you, nor see you spoil it as a sacrifice to me, a useless sacrifice!

Sir Robert: Gertrude! Gertrude!

Lady Chiltern: You can forget. Men easily forget. And I forgive. This is how women help the world. I see that now.

3. Fourth Act: Lord Goring bantering with Mabel Chiltern

Lord Goring: Mabel, do be serious. Please be serious.

Mabel Chiltern: Ah! That is the sort of thing a man always says to a girl before he has been married to her. He never says it afterwards.

4. Fourth Act: Lord Goring dealing with his very irritating father, Lord Caversham, who keeps pestering him to get married. (Lord Goring is already 33 yrs old.)

(Lord Caversham enters Sir Robert Chiltern's place and finds his son, Lord Goring, there too.)

Lord Caversham: Well sir, what are you doing here? Wasting your time as usual, I suppose?

Lord Goring: My dear father, when one pays a visit it is for the purpose of wasting other people's time, not one's own.

Brilliant sentence. Isn't it? Only the intelligent can appreciate this.

2009-03-23T23:07:00.002+08:00

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.—I Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

The journey seems painful. But without it, how can we feel the beauty of love?

2009-03-08T15:40:00.002+08:00

I think I'm a very bad person sometimes.

I get so pissed and fed up with people who treat me like a doormat and only talk to me for information. It's an irritating feeling. An acute sense of betrayal of friendship and trust that you thought you had with that person. I don't know, but it really irks me.

And even though I'm constantly berating myself, I feel this natural instinct to protect myself from further disappointment and hurt from this person. And I find myself replying more curtly, wishing to end any conversation just to stop being a free information provider that gets no further response when I start to be the one asking questions.

But then there's this voice in me that says to not stoop to that person's standards, to not play the tit-for-tat game.

And I feel so torn, so disgusted with my own selfishness and inability to be the more noble person, so disgusted at me being the same as that person, so full of ugliness.

2009-03-08T10:34:00.004+08:00

To you who are more than human:

It is an inexplicable yearning
To know you
To understand you
So that I can have a relationship with you.

And when I am not allowed to meet you,
The feeling is terrible.
I feel lost, I feel incomplete.

But what am I supposed to do?
I'm torn between two loves.
Knowing they are not equal but neither are they completely opposing.
Knowing that they can be reconciled.
Just not today, nor tomorrow.

So I shall be the bearer of pain
Until the rainbow appears.

Je cherche à être entendue, pas être comprise.
Je cherche un amour sans besoin d'être cherché.
J'attends quelqu'un sans vouloir fixer un rendez-vous.
Je demande que les gens me comprisent, sans leur dire mes demandes.
Je pense être folle et confuse, mais je ne rien fais pour changer.

Parce que, je pense aimer une vie truffée des paradoxies.

L'amour qui perdure rend les gens fous.

2009-03-06T23:28:00.002+08:00

I actually felt very very happy before I received results, when I was with my cousin, my dear classmates whom I really really love.

They are very different from council people. A cosier bunch of people who are not as illustrous and simply friends. No complicated matters sometimes. Good. I feel very comfortable among them. And I love that feeling.

Or rather, not the entire class, but a handful of people that I love.

It was back to the old times of unrestrained bitching, whining, mutual whacking, smiling, suaning, laughing and whatever shit things we do.

I told Nick and Nette that I miss the times before I joined Council. It's really true. I think my relationships with the class would be deepen like no other if I had not joined council. I think my participation in council had somewhat stretched my social circle a bit, and like glue, it became thinner and weaker in some areas that needed more strength. just like how Some of us would be like super good friends, even more so that we are now if I had not left the class partially. But maybe that would come in the future.

The aftermath of getting results was not so fun. It comprised of extreme joy, disbelief, gratefulness for all the support of my friends, teachers who have helped me through and also guilt for being happy while some friends were not so happy.

Then the saddest part was the parting. I'm already missing my dear old classmates.

I sincerely hope that no matter what happens, we will always stay together.

2009-03-01T07:34:00.003+08:00

I'm really really scared nowadays. I wake up picturing myself on that day and I just cannot picture myself queuing up quietly with the other students, waiting patiently for 1) our CT to see our results 2) for him to pass it to us, with a tinge of look reflecting our marks 3) for us to see it, stun and react.

omg. help me please.

I think I will cry.

2009-02-28T22:51:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, you get disappointed in life,
When you feel unloved,
Despite loving so much.
When you give so much,
Only to receive so little.
When people use you like a pencil or eraser,
With little sentimental value and a cast into the dust,
When everything's finally done and over.

Then you cry.

Then you whine.

Then you forget and get over it.

Then you learn to love yourself again and love yourself more.

Then you grow.

Then you have a higher chance and finding true happiness and the one's who will love you, care for you and stand by you.

For you, being the true you, attract the right people.

But then, the very first question is: Are you able to identify the true you? How would you know that you have grown sufficiently before you are like a diamond in a display shop, refined and polished so your true colours - both the beautiful and glaring - shine?

You don't. Or, you just feel that you do.

For now, I think you just have to Hope and have Faith

<3

2009-02-28T22:35:00.001+08:00

Sarah is being such a pig!

Sarah went to play an INTENSIVE round of tennis with her dad this morning BUT greedy her wasted her effort in sheding off some kilos by eating 2 pieces of sinful cake and some chocolate ice cream!

Her excuse: she needs endorphins so that she, like the french writers and artists of the past who thrived instead on nicotine and cocaine, could produce an inspirational essay that is incredibly late.

But then she discovered the joy of bantering on msn and her inability to vomit useful strands of words.

So, she is again reduced to an unproductive, always eating and not excreting and therefore fat, pig.

2009-02-22T21:26:00.000+08:00

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA

MARC SEE! HAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHA

MY MISSION IN LIFE IS TO DRIVE YOU NUTS! AND MAKE YOU DIE FROM BURSTING YOUR STOMACH BECAUSE YOU LAUGH SO MUCH HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAA

OMG, THIS IS MADNESS....HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.HAHHAHAHA...BEN BEN, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU NEED TO COME AND JOIN IN THE FUN MANNNN....

BO PIAN LAR..........HAHHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU IN ARMY AND MARC SEE IS STUCK IN FRONT OF HIS COM BEING IRRITATING.

2009-02-21T01:50:00.003+08:00

How can you believe in something that you've never seen, nor heard, nor touch?

How can you believe in something purely by other people's testimonies and gut feeling, mixed with half-baked logic , especially when you were brought up in a world of science?

But somehow, I think I'm starting to feel something.

My life is changing and I like the change.

I feel that I'm gonna experience life like I've never before. And I'm yearning for the change.

Like the slivery silk of memory
Our lives slip through the slits in our palms
Till they disappear through the cracks
Of our brains and our veins

And exist we do no more
For the joyous laughter is gone
For we see each other no more
For we know nothing no more

Cry for help in dignity and silence
We lie with fate
Waiting till we grow yellow
And finally mellow

2009-02-09T09:38:00.000+08:00

Meaning of Color and Your Birthday
Don’t cheat, If you are honest, this tells the truth.
It’s pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of
paper, and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom.

1. Which is your favorite color out of: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).

When you’re done, scroll down.. (Don’t cheat!)

Answers
1. If you choose:
Red-You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black-You are conservative and aggressive.
Green-Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue-You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow-You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If your initial is:
A-KYou have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-RYou try to enjoy your life to the maximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-ZYou like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar:The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June:You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep:You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec:Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose:
Black:Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White:You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
Flying: You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.
8. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
9. This wish will come true only if you Believe it has already happened!

Hm.

2009-02-08T23:56:00.000+08:00

Jung Explorer TestActualized type:

INFP(who you are)
Introverted (I) 64.52% Extroverted (E) 35.48%Intuitive (N) 54.84% Sensing (S) 45.16%Feeling (F) 53.33% Thinking (T) 46.67%Perceiving (P) 62.5% Judging (J) 37.5%

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.
Preferred type: INFP(who you prefer to be)
Introverted (I) 60% Extroverted (E) 40%Intuitive (N) 67.86% Sensing (S) 32.14%Feeling (F) 63.33% Thinking (T) 36.67%Perceiving (P) 51.43% Judging (J) 48.57%
INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

Attraction type: INFP(who you are attracted to)
Introverted (I) 68.75% Extroverted (E) 31.25%Intuitive (N) 66.67% Sensing (S) 33.33%Feeling (F) 58.82% Thinking (T) 41.18%Perceiving (P) 58.33% Judging (J) 41.67%
INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

Proven right

2009-02-08T23:37:00.001+08:00

ideal you real you
Introversion

63%

60%
Extroversion

33%

40%
Intuitive

63%

56%
Sensing

43%

50%
Feeling

63%

66%
Thinking

53%

43%
Judging

66%

50%
Perceiving

63%

60%ideal type - INFJ, real type - INFP

2009-02-08T22:43:00.002+08:00

Personality Type Reportfor Sarah

Your Personality Preferences

INTROVERT
While you may not be anti-social, you do need (and deserve) your private time and space to retreat from the world. Unlike extroverts, you need to develop a concept of the world or some aspect of it before experiencing it. Too much socializing may sap your energies. Your energies are derived from exploring the inner world of ideas, impressions and pure thought.

INTUITIVE
While you do process information through your senses you add a twist to your processing by relying on intuition and serendipity. You look for undercurrents of meaning and abstractions in what you experience physically. You do not just see things just as they are, but as what they could be. While you may rely on common sense at times, you trust inspiration far more.

JUDGING/ PERCEIVING
You appear to be an equal mix of both judging and perceiving types. This may cause you some conflict at times. On the other hand the balance of the two may work just fine for you. There is certainly nothing wrong with having a fair share of both types if you are happy. Below you will find descriptions of both types.

JUDGING
You like decisions to be made as soon as possible. You are not comfortable with loose ends and like to see conflicts resolved as soon as possible. You have a preference for a well-structured, orderly lifestyle with few surprises. It may not be all that important who makes the decisions that gets things done as long things do get done. You take commitments very seriously.

PERCEIVING
You like to have as much information as possible before making a decision. Putting off a final decision until the last moment does not make you uncomfortable. Indeed once a decision is made, a course plotted, you may feel a bit uneasy, because you feel bound to a certain course of action. You would much prefer to wait and see what happens. You enjoy the opportunity to improvise. Commitments are not etched in stone to you, and are changeable.

FEELING
You make decisions subjectively based upon your values and what is important to you. How people will be affected by your decisions is important to you. You are likely to make decisions based upon what you feel is acceptable and agreeable rather than what is logical. Your truths are founded in your values and those of the society you live in. It is important to remember that we are discussing how you evaluate data and make decisions, and that you rely on your feelings to do so in no way implies you are overly emotional.

Your Personality Type
Your personality preferences suggest you may be one of two personality types, so both these types are listed below.

Introvert/Intuitive/Feeling/Perceiving

ou are devoted and compassionate. You have a well-developed distaste for rules, orders and schedules. You are a natural born learner and can get so absorbed in your projects that you forget those around you. You are passionate about your beliefs and love ideals. You have very high standards for yourself. You are very creative, sensitive, reserved, and introspective. You respect the values of others and expect them to respect yours.In relationships you are loyal and totally committed. You prefer a few deep relationships over a horde of acquaintances. Because you are somewhat reserved, you do best in one on one and small group situations. When you feel comfortable, you can be very entertaining and capricious. You are nurturing and supportive by nature. You greatest social challenge is to balance your need to withdraw into your inner-world with your need to keep a strong connection with those you care for.

Famous People of Your Type:Homer, Virgil, Mary, mother of Jesus, St. John, St. Luke, William Shakespeare, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, A. A. Milne, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Helen Keller, Carl Rogers, Fred Rogers, Dick Clark, Donna Reed, Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis, Neil Diamond, Tom Brokaw, James Herriot, Annie Dillard, James Taylor, Julia Roberts, Scott Bakula, John F. Kennedy, Jr. Occupations Suited to Your Type Include: Actor, architect, artist, composer, editor, translator, journalist, librarian, musician, occupational therapist, psychotherapist, educator, researcher, scientist, and writer.

OR

Personality Type Composite INFJ
Introvert/Intuitive/Feeling/Judging

Sometimes you may seem to have a mystical quality about you. You are very sensitive and deep. You place a high value on integrity. Your inner life is well very well developed. You are an idealist capable of very creative, original thought. You are gentle, compassionate and enjoy your time alone. You need both inner and outer harmony. When reaching for a goal you are very determined and persevering. In relationships you are very tender and gentle. You have a very strong need to create a pleasant home environment. You do not make commitments lightly, but once you do you put all your energies into it. You understand your feelings and are able to share them with those you care for. At times you may find it difficult to balance your need to retreat into your inner-world and your need to be with those you care for. You can be very playful and fun when you feel at ease. You need harmony in your intimate world. Conflict can upset you to the point of making you sick.

Famous People of Your Type:Aristophanes, Chaucer, Goethe, Robert Burns, Martin Van Buren, Jimmy Carter, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Fred McMurray, Shirley Temple Black, Martin Luther King, Jr., Shirley McClain, Piers Anthony, Michael Landon, Tom Selleck, Oprah Winfrey, John Katz, Angela Lansbury, Richard Gere, Billy Crystal, Carrie Fisher.

Occupations Suited to Your Type Include:Architect, artist, clergy, consultant, editor, musician, philosopher, doctor, programmer, researcher, scientist, teacher, and writer.

I think I'm less judging nowadays though.

Change

2009-02-08T17:25:00.002+08:00

I'm changing. I can feel it. and I'll not be the same person I use to be.

I like this change. It is part of me. and I think this is the way that it has to be. We all have to grow up. People that we were once close to may drift away. Because we evolve differently. And we develop relationships with other people.

Hm. My favourite word these days. It represents the hesitancy in expressing an opinion just to fill the awkward silence of a pending reply. It represents deliberate thought. It represents the undefined.

Hm.

2009-02-06T14:27:00.002+08:00

I think neuroscience is really cool!

Just watched on youtube this cool series of clips on the Secrets of Sleep - REM and Dreams (REM = Rapid eye movement).

It tells about how researchers through various observations of sleep and dream patterns, through experiments to prove or disprove their hypotheses, through personal recounts come up with interesting theories about the importance of dreams in our lives.

The clip starts with introducing the 4 main stages of sleep. Identified by the patterns of electrical impulses in the brain.

1st stage: light sleep - characterised by drowsiness and the gradual loss of consciousness

2nd stage & 3rd stage - deep sleep. Regular body movements but no rapid eye movement and no dreams. Brain activity seems slow and regular, as reflected by the electrograms.

4th stage: REM stage, where people are DREAMING. But the interesting thing about this dreaming is that although brain activity is suddenly intense, as great and hectic as it is in wakefulness, the whole body is paralysed except for the rapid twitching of the eye muscles. People at this stage when woken up report dreams.

And it is shown that this REM stage occurs every 90 mins in sleep.

Researchers conducted tests to find out how sleep affects cognitive ability and found out that those who slept more, and had more REM time, performed better. It seemed as though during the REM period, the brain was consolidating the information gathered during the day.

The interesting was that for teenagers who were intentionally deprived of REM, they reported hallucinations/day-dreams in the day and that when they were given the next opportunity to sleep, their dreams were more exciting and they entered REM mode faster and for a longer period of time.

Turns out too that during the REM stage, brain activity was not present in the more modern parts of the brain like the frontal area responsible for rational thought. Rather, it was the primitive medulla involved in emotions that was active.

Part 2 talked about an interesting study of a girl with REM sleep behaviour disorder (RBD) who fell limp once in a while during the day, when she experienced surges of emotions. It seriously reduced her quality of life because in order to stay in control of herself, she must deprive herself of strong feelings of happiness, sadness, stress etc...

Scientists found out that a certain gene in dogs that display this type of dominant disorder is responsible for it.

Scientists thus propose that perhaps if one can isolate this gene, sequence it and use protein models, one can find out the physiological cause of the disorder and find treatments for it.

It also sparked ideas that perhaps REM and emotions are tightly linked. Some say that REM is important as it allows us to imagine things beyond the rational, to reach to our emotions buried deep in us during the day and unleash it as a means to relieve us of daily emotional stress. And that perhaps this is why people who 'sleep on problems' report feeling better after a good night's sleep.

Some people have traumatic experiences and dream of the same thing over and over again. They cannot get past it and overcome their traumas in real-life. But they undergo psychology treatment, and learn to change their dreams. They overcome their traumas and they report finally being able to get on with life.

Dreams seem to have some untapped potential that gives us some unknown selective advantage such that it seems indispensable to all of us humans, and even dogs, duck-billed platypus and tigers.

Cool right?

2009-02-05T13:27:00.002+08:00

How does one live with the certainty of death?

- I'm just randomly shooting of answers to random questions.

I'm getting tired of answering them so I shall just write it shortly. It's partly because I'm a considerate sweet girl who does not want to bore readers with stuff like that.

Écrire, c’est une façon de parler sans interompu. – Jules Renard :)

So point form:
- acknowledge it
- understand the meaning of it:
1) religiously: to go heaven, a better place
2) Geographically and socially: clear land, make space for next generation
3) self-help: you'll be bored to death if you live on anyway
4) yin-yang or those shit theories about opposites: If there's life, there's death. Death makes living all the more sweeter

So morbid right?

I guess then if you want to be really okay with the certainty of death, just think that hey, at least now I'm not dead yet, so let me live my life to the fullest I can life. This shouldn't be done like the day before your death, but rather everyday : do things you will not regret, do simple things to make yourself happy, plan for the future.

I seriously think I'm a weirdo trying to be aunt agony about coping with death >.< seriously bizarre.

2009-02-05T13:07:00.003+08:00

What does it mean to be an individual?

Came across this question somewhere.

Several words come to mind: Independent, Lonely, Helpless, Unique, Alone, Confident, Everyone

Literally, everyone is a single entity and thus an individual.

But in a crowd, not everyone is an individual. The lone guy who stands at a bar drinking alone is an individual. The girl who dances ravishingly, but alone is an individual.

Individuals are those who do not just go with the flow, but recognises themselves as independent, unique beings with a unique combination of tastes and preferences and qualities and flaws.

They walk their own path, sometimes with other people along the way, but never with the same person all his life.

Hence, it is often said that individuals are confident, independent people who are not afraid to walk alone.

However, I say that some individuals are also timid people, scared of failure, be it during competition with others, be it during the awkward interactions between individuals, be it being overshadowed by others.

I also say that some individuals are proud beings, who linked to the first point, are afriad of being seen as less good than others. They also dislike seeking help from others and since they see company as a means of salving their loneliness, they shun company in an attempt to hide their weakness.

I also say that some individuals may be disliked by the crowd who do not understand them or are blind to their qualities. This group have less choice than others in terms of the way they'd like to live their life (I say 'less' because I believe life is for us to control to a certain extent and thus they can always attempt to improve the situation by changing their behaviour)

Now, am I an individual?

I think most people, including myself would think that yes, I am.

I am one because I am a confused person, unsure of what she is inside her and thus unsure of which group she actually belongs to.

I am one because I am selfish. I am selfish because I wish to interact with others to be love and not to be hurt.

I am one because I am timid and proud.

I am one because sometimes I need to be alone. To have enough quietness to talk to myself and listen to myself speak. It's rather hard to hear oneself speak in a crowd, because you may not be yourself then, but rather a version of yourself modified to suit the crowd. I think our voices are like leaves rustling, or breathing of people sleeping, or morning glory opening. It's difficult to hear until you intentionally stop and concentrate.

But now, I realise more and more that I enjoy company. and I'm starting to miss company really really badly. Sometimes I get depressed.

lalala...I'm being weird again.

2009-02-05T10:30:00.002+08:00

WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW?

BOOHOOHOO

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE THAT STUPID ESSAY! SOMEONE HELP ME WRITE IT PLEASE!

AND I'M SUCH A PIG! I ATE SO MUCH JUNK FOOD FOR BREAKFAST, WAS SUPPOSE TO BURN IT OF BY SWIMMING LAPS AND RUNNING AND I DIDNT EVEN REACH MY TARGET.

AND NOW IM CRAVING FOR DUMPLING NOODLES WHEN I HAVENT EVEN FINISHED MY STUPID ESSAY AS I AIMED TO.

BOOHOOHOO.

I NEED MAGICAL FRIENDS NOW.

BOOHOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2009-02-01T18:28:00.002+08:00

Sarah is slowly finding herself again!

Sarah is becoming happy again!

Sarah wants to be in the company of her friends again! as she feels that finally her presence will not cause them to feel any discomfort or sadness! only joy!

Sarah has faced more setbacks in her life than ever. But Sarah thinks Sarah has dealt with them fairly well and that she has become a more mature and better person.

Sarah could have self-pitied. could have given up. could have become bitter and full of hatred. could have closed up even more.

But Sarah has a wonderful loving and supportive family who teaches her to grow up the right way, to learn to love herself and others.

So now Sarah has learnt, that life does not turn out as you want it sometimes. Sure, you can try very hard, you can persevere! you can use the by-hook-or-by-crook method to increase your chances of getting what you want!

but sometimes, you just don't get what you want. and maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. Sarah has learnt that failures is another opportunity - to learn, to explore new options, to try out new ways of life!

So Sarah will hope, will try hard to get into the place she wants to get to. Sarah will not give up. but if Sarah is rejected, Sarah will not let herself be upset by people's expectations on herself, by their negative comments, by her own let-downs. Sarah will face the music, listen to the feedback on her flaws and seek advice from others to improve on them. Sarah will learn to learn not only from her own mistakes, but from the kind advice of others. and Sarah will know that she did what was right and gracious and loving.

and at least when Sarah look backs, she will not hate herself or regret it.

I would like to plee others not to expect anything from Sarah. But Sarah realises that expectations are everywhere and can be sometimes analogous to hope. Sarah should be grateful that people look at her in positive light. and Sarah should learn to deal with expectations and not let them dictate her life, her feelings, her direction in life. But to be the confident person who is not afraid to fall as she will bravely climb up again.

Face the disappointments in life and other people, but never in herself.

For climbing up again, should not be seen as a disappointment.

2009-02-01T00:53:00.002+08:00

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm meeting a whole lot of setbacks, rejections blah blah blah.

All this with the phrases like 'Oh Sarah, you shouldn't worry, you're so smart, so pro...' which trys to comfort by praising me but in fact performs the most cruel act of raising me on to the highest pedestrals where in fact there is someone there just waiting to push me over the edge.

The truth is. I don't think that I'm what people think I am.

I am just someone who took pride in my schoolwork, and put in a great deal of effort into completing each assignment and task to the best of my abilities and happen to do just maybe a little better than average. But that's just sometimes and people forget the times when I don't do that well. Or that maybe it was luck or me trying too hard.

But I've learnt, as I have today, as I was hit by a rock and fell into a concussion. That concussion left me in a daze, blank-eyed as I moved one foot at a time into the Mrt, out of the Mrt, into plaza sing, into shops, out of shops, out of Plaza sing and home.

all this while, I saw discounts, wonderful clothes..but wasn't really thinking about them. Instead, I kept thinking about the people around me.

You see, amongst them are less fortunate people with a less well-off background, and therefore sometimes less professional jobs as compared to doctors and lawyers. Yet, they survive. Yet they are happy. and they can have sometimes a better work-life balance.

I want to be a doctor because I like the environment of teamwork, lifelong learning from each other, from patients, from nurses. I like the idea of imparting knowledge to my patients about their illnesses and what I will be doing to heal them so that I enlighten them, reassure them by uncovering their mysteries.

But nurses can do that too. Yes. And working with them, I have come to respect them as doctor's indispensable helpers, like Nurse Salina, Nurse Lynn, Nurse Ratna etc. Their kind smiles, helping hand, jokes make stressful situations lighter and the work burden less heavy.

So why? I think for one, I admit that it is partly because most of my friends/ seniors are doctors rather than nurses. Secondly, I feel that doctors earn more, have a greater job stability as their expertise are also needed. Thirdly, nurses study less breadth and depth as compared to doctors and thus their knowledge about the medical field may be more limited than doctors. I feel that with the training as a doctor, I would be able to help my patients to a greater extent.

And how about a teacher? I like the idea of imparting knowledge to children. But not only that, I derive great satisfaction from seeing them mature, gain correct values and grow to become awesome children with a mind of their own that can judiciously discern right from wrong, and decide their direction in life, integrate into society etc...One downslide may be that I would be tired of repeating the same lesson again and again? And what if no one wants to listen to me? Gosh. I did have to grow another layer of skin first. But I lack the experience and would like to have some experience in the field before I pass my judgment. Besides, what subject should I teach? My favourite may be Medicine HAHAHA. if not, maybe I would like to teach at a kindergarten, where there are cute little kids. MUACKS, sarah loves you.

I would really like to become a doctor. But I'm also worried about work-life balance. Prof Hui asked a couple of times: would you be able to give up your family for work? put aside marriage for 10 yrs to develop your career?

I love my family. I want to repay my parents and be a filial daughter caring for their health, their work and life stresses, being there to love them, make them happy, give them money to do the things they have alwaysh wanted to do etc... I want to help my sister grow up to become an awesome person and not someone I would hate. (i sound so mean.)

But I think I would love the doctors, nurses, patients, admin staff, receptionists, researchers I work with too. Hospitals would become my second home.

And considering the crazy number of years before I actually become a consultant (5 years med sch, 1 year HO, 1 year MO, 3 years Registrar, 3-5 years Specialist...)who can arrive at hospital later than most, leave earlier than most, be rich enough to own a car,...wah, I'm totally dead.

So plan: take up Prof's recommendation, HAHAHHAHA. 1) get into med sch 2) get attached in yr 1 HAHHAHAHAAHAHA (because after that either the guys are ugly/shitty or attached or married or GAY) It's TRUE. Good-looking doctors I met are married already! HAAHHA

and well, people have managed through med sch and left sane, still quite interesting as a person and well, sane.

and I've talked to people at med sch. They mug like hell. But they also find time to meet up with friends (like during mugging sessions!), play sports, do shopping etc...

and prof taught me a new way of reading books...buying the audio version and playing it while you drive. just don't get carried away and bang into a lamppost.

And well, I can still go back during the weekends and that is when I take care of my parents better. We are still in Singapore, it's really not so bad. And if I don't want to study so many years, I can always become a GP.

Best to keep my options open.

And If I don't become a doctor, maybe I can do something else I like, like being a primary school teacher, kindergarten teacher, social worker, counsellor, psychologist, nurse etc..probably not as awesome, but still fulfilling and I'll have a better work-life balance. and maybe I'll become a sweeter person. (doctors are sweet, but they have to see many patients - at least in the public sector - that they can't be sweet to you for long periods of time)

My thoughts for today.

I think I've become a slightly more resilient person after today.

Thank you God.

2009-01-22T20:52:00.002+08:00

I'm finally back in Singapore, after a 6-day work-play trip to London.

I admit, it was quite a heart-warming feeling to see the sunny island again, and actually feel warmth coming from nature rather than from an electrical heater. And secretly, behind my father's back, I finally acknowledged the validity of his opinion that it may be good to be back home.

But that being said, it was only after being to London, interacting with the locals and feeling a tad like a sore thumb that I say so. It was only after the chatting with the malay taxi driver about the causes of idiopathic traffic jams in paya lebar at FOUR PM in the afternoon (i mean, huh? where are everyone going if not stuck in the office!), and passing by my dear old RJC that I realised that. Singapore, after all, had a kind of familiarity that made me on one hand complacent that life is good and meant to be so; while on the other hand feeling like I belonged.

Indeed, the interaction with the crazy diversity of students from Kenya, India, some island in the pacific ocean, Germany, England, Singapore, Malaysia and Hong Kong just struck me that our 'multiracial singapore' may be little compared to my experience in the little interview holding room where I spent my time engaging in intellectual discussions about 'should we present our truthful self to the interviewers?', 'Should we stop being so adamant about studying medicine in the event that we clearly know that we aren't good enough?', and of course, trying ironically to spot questions and brainstorm of answers to the questions previous candidates were asked.

I really enjoyed some of the people's company. There was this cool UK student who took a gap year to shanghai to study history in China, and Chinese! And he really did his education there justice with his fluency in listening and speaking! And there was this charming guy whom I felt was quite mature and intelligent, despite being only 17.

If we were to be in the same college, I suppose my life would be enriched in ways I would never have imagined and I would grow as a doctor and as a person, tremendously. Then, maybe homesickness would come less frequently.

Having gone to London 2 times already, I've growed quite accustom to the fashion of black stockings and high boots with high heels, the cold drafts, the wonderful british accent that I absolutely LOVE and the train system. Though my dad and I could do with more training in not being carried away with gossip and hopping on to the right train.

This time, my familiarity with London saved me time and cost in allowing me to bypass the usual tourist attractions like Trafalgar Square, Covent Garden, Theatres at Leicester Square, Buckingham Palace, National Science Museum, my FAVOURITE london towers, Shakespeare Globe theatre and another FAVOURITE modern art TATE museum. Yum.

and I got to spend time on the less orthodox route (or to the locals, the more normal routes), like meeting up with friends at Imperial and LSE and crashing their universities and hostels, getting free tours around the educational areas with Amanda :) and Timothy, visiting hospitals (weird huh) and seeing ucl :):):)

I really really want to get into UCL. I love the people there. Like on the tour, despite being strangers, some of us started talking among ourselves. and we met med sch seniors who were really funny and passionate about ucl and med sch. There was this guy, who went on and on and on and on about how great UCL was and how lousy King's was, though he did so by listing names of hospitals and using his tone to show how one was better than the other. which didn't mean much other than passion but i suppose I can see where all that was coming from.

Oh well, the wonderness of studying overseas to me is mainly in living a life outside this small island of ours, which I've come to learn that is vastly different from the other corners of the world. I think I will like the change. Singapore is comfortable, but I believe that life has so much more to it and life has just been made too comfortable for us/me.

We/I need to grow up. Learn about the hostilities, true happiness, graciousness, tolerance and intolerance, empathy, failure ...

I had a weird conversation with my dad. I think he thinks I got some screwd up values. He actually asked me if I would prefer to marry a rich man or a poor one who works hard....

what the....

I'll marry someone who loves me and whom I love. Idealistic maybe. Yes too Idealistic. but I have heard of true love and finding each other! I have heard of soulmates (which are different from lovers) and they can actually fall in love and stay in love, because well, they just fit so well with each other.

Hurhur, Dad thinks I don't think about such stuff. Dad is wrong.

2008-11-27T21:12:00.000+08:00

Most people don't marry the loves of their lives. You marry for compatibility; for friendship. It may not be a kind of relationship where you can read teach other's minds, but it's comfortable, like a familiar warm spot on your favourite chair. That's just another kind of love, one that doesn't burn itself out, one that lasts in the real world.-SOTHW

got this from someone's blog.

Maybe it's true, I'm not sure.

I can't tell if it's for better or for worse.

wishlist

2008-11-20T20:19:00.003+08:00

I am TOTALLY ENTITLED TO MAKE IT . yes finally.

1. a thousand and one books (jodi picoult, sophie's world, haruki Marakami, aldous huxley, george orwell..oh yes! there's this wonderful english reading booklist given last year YES.)

2. more dresses! necklaces! t-shirts! skirts!

3. medicine books! and internship at a hospital and hospice

4. learn to cook

5. learn to play the violin

6. watch taiwanese and korean dramas

7. read anime

8. watch GREY'S ANATOMY!!!

9. rebuild my stamina

10. play more tennis!

lala...CHRISTMAS IS COMING EVERYONE.....WE MISSED SO MUCH BUT WE'RE GONNA HAVE IT BACK. CHRISTMAS PARTIES FTW!

post-exams

2008-11-20T19:47:00.003+08:00

how should i be feeling? utterly liberated...haha...okay..i guess yes, but still...

anyway, the year has passed...i can't believe it, it seemed only yesterday that we had orientation as awkward J1s, and had campaigning and the whole whirl of council activities like general meetings (which I really love cos you get to see the whole council! and which is why yewei and I kept ponning french, haha), teachers' day, take-5, blazer duties, mass loaning sessions, open house, national day, orientation 08...

it seemed only yesterday that my 26th buddy and I were taking turns to drown each other in chocolates, that I always felt so happy receiving encouragement notes for him, and writing back...and all those times I talked to Jun How, Zhouyi, Chloe, Crunch, Reuben and Jonny occasionally at the council canteen...

and council camp, both...oh how I miss those days of camaraderie, blatant disregard for school work, and a life with a bit more spontaneity.

and the trips to france...I miss Paris and the french people dearly now. someone take me to france. I might think of buying a single air ticket and going there, just to walk around and immerse myself in the atmosphere, speak french, listen to french, visit my french correspondants, people-watching...just savour la joie de vivre.....

seriously, france and singapore? totally different.

singapore? stability, safety, but at times, it's kinda boring, and less fulfilling...life, when you see more places, is so much more than this.

france is like crazy. the language itself is so different. it just flows...and with the difference in language, we get different behaviour, different principles and beliefs, different actions, different course of life...

haha...like almost all the french people are applying to unis there. sutch wants to go do medicine there, an rong's already there. hm...it's worth considering...

but for now, I guess I'll savour the last few days of school. I'll miss it. It's a place for friends to meet up, spontaneously, randomly. which is nice.

and the next year, the 28ths will soon realise how fast time flies, and how it is so important to have control over one's life the next year, in order not to regret anything.

I can't say I didn't regret anything. but at least, the regret isn't so great that it overwhelms me and breaks me down. It has been a good year on the whole..and the next and the following will be totally different. no more school to tell us how fast we should be progressing, to tell us what to do...we would be like the chomeurs in france, with no schedule. so it's really up to us to manage our time, or rather, our life.

huge responsibility, and I can see now why the 26ths were emo-ing about it.

we'll see. we'll still keep in contact, attend each others' marriages and children's birthdays as jason said. we'll still have each other's shoulders to cry on, each other to laugh with (or at)...council, 08S03B, random friends, pls pls keep in contact. we must meet up with the ns guys often for breakfast and update them about life in the outside-jungle world, and so much more.

walking out, we realise how large the world is.

and soon discover the corner that we would like to occupy.

2008-11-11T20:04:00.004+08:00

ew....i just slept my afternoon away... and watched tv after that. bad combination. I should put an end to this. yes. k, shall start studying hard from now on.

BYE BYE WORLD. I SHALL STUDY HARD. I SHALL GET AN A FOR BIO AND DISTINCTION FOR PHARM CHEM! THEY ARE INTERESTING AND WONDERFULLY NICE SUBJECTS AND I LOVE THEM TO BITS. THEY WILL LOVE ME TOO.YES. BUHBYE.

2008-11-10T20:44:00.001+08:00

STUDY!!!

2008-11-10T12:57:00.002+08:00

randomm.

but yeah, the chicken sandwich was really nauseating >.<

food kinda sucks. hah.

and I want to watch more grey's anatomy rather than studyyyyyy

STUDY

2008-11-08T18:31:00.001+08:00

Let's be happy people

2008-11-08T18:14:00.002+08:00

I can't put a word to what I'm feeling now. My thoughts are all so messy.

BMAT.

showed me how sometimes your state of mind during the test may more or less annul the preparation you made for the test.

I say more or less because it could be that without it, I would have done worse, I wouldn't be able to think logically about the statements made and make the right choice. OR, it could be that without the preparation, I wouldn't have had a false impression of what the test would truly be like.

The preparation tests were, to me, much easier. But I know that this is not totally true. I was fully aware that during the test I was stressed, nervous, I just felt despaired cos I kept stumbling and feeling the time fly past. It was my mistake. I should have remained calm and think logically, step by step, as I did for the other exams.

The comfort from this folly is probably that, well, I learnt something. and that hopefully, despite my nervousnous, the questions I did with care would be right....

hopefully....

Yups, I've thought much about it. It would be immature, spoilt of me to indulge in self-pity. Why should I be sorry for myself? or expect others to feel sorry for me? 1) I come from an okay family, that had supported me so far. 2) my friends have been so encouraging and helpful towards me 3) they've already heard me whine...it's time to give them a chance to do the same, and me to be the listening ear 4) so what? i'm lucky enough to actually go to RJC, have a chance to apply to cambridge and other universities..I should be counting my lucky stars already... 5) maybe i didn't do that badly...maybe just section A, but at least I did all my questions carefully, so that I won't be losing marks for wrong answers; and at least I felt that I did well for section B and the essay was not a total disaster. at least I answered all parts of the questions, had organisation, coherence, different points of view ..just maybe not a highly insightful piece, or a very cogent, convincing and eloquent one that would wow the readers.

at least, I studied, I prepared I went through the whole thing and I did my best.

Now, stop wallowing in self-pity. Think logically now.

It's over. there's so much more to do.

2008-11-07T12:52:00.002+08:00

I'm gonna die for BMAT. what am i doing...... :( why am I even doing this.

...>.<

2008-11-01T17:15:00.003+08:00

In a blink of an eye, and time fast forwards.

It's really too fast to be true. Tmr is GP.

wow. at this moment, I just feel blessed. that I have made it this far without too much hiccups. that I am surrounded with so much love and understanding, people who love me for who I am. and treasure me as a friend. people who share their lives with me and let me share theirs too. I can't say how glad I am to have made so many wonderful friends thus far. Whether it is from primary sch, RG, french immersion programmes, in leadership networks, french classes, council and 08S03B.

my current class seriously rocks. There are sweet and caring girls who too have a fun side to them. They are seriously the most caring, sweet and gentle girls I've met! haha, I feel like a tomboy beside them. and there're like the most fun guys ever. lol. like Harold who's always poking fun and whatever he can about he. and chinks, like forever suaning me. my pw mates who always try to lure me out to snack on cereal chinks brings when he arrives invariably late, and 1 hour later, for lunch which I look forward to too! haha. they make my life so miserable that I will never forget all the torture they put me through. and the time when I told them straight in their face that Scarlett Johansen looked slutty. omg, girls dun ever say such things to blinded gusys. three faces stopped and stared at me as if I was crazy. even christopher who's usually the one who will give in to me shouted a vehement 'No!' HAHA it was funny. i found their weakness, next time they wanted to suan me again, i'll suan their beloved scarlett johansen. hurhur. i love my pw group haha.

sigh sigh. all these nostalgic memories just flood me as a try to read up for gp. Actually gp really broadens our horizons, challenges our assumptions and encourages us, not to think creatively, but to think rationally. which I feel is the ultimate aim of creativity, actually. Look. Why do people want to think out of the box? logic goes that the box, which represents conventional limits of thinking, strait-jacketed concepts, can be flawed. Fallacious thinking can easily go undetected if followed blindly, undiscerningly, not to mention while being supported by a group of people who, equally blinded, regurgitate the same ideas with already a fixed mindset. Creativity is thus another word to suggest that we should try to challenge conventional thinking that actually may not make sense. to arrive at a more rational conclusion. so there. and GP does that. the teachers are not going to accept yoru argument, no matter how unorthodox, unless they make sense, i.e. they have to be infused with a dose of reality and logic.

lala. so in a way it clears my mind. and reading more about the world enriches it. I just read about cram schools. and through, I kept thinking how lucky am I to not fall into such a sorry state. Children, they are so vulnerable. They can develop into bright, talented individuals, all empowered to contribute to society in the best way they can. On the other hand, because coming into the world, whether you subscribe to the blank slate theory or not, they lack a solid 'cadre de reference' as the french call it, tend to subscribe to the ideas adults imbibe them with, until they know enough to decide for themselves.

The students in Korea and Japan, are made to think since young that fail in school, fail in life, and life has no meaning unless one can succeed. Unfortunately, their definition of success is so narrow, it hardly leaves room for growth in character and diversity. Students in Korea study up to 15 hours a day! 86% go to cram schools since kindergarden. oh my gosh.......what the hell...do you noe what I was that age? I was watching tv, playing colour-catching, checking out all the secret passages in my house and my condo...hur hur...look how I turned out! omg..I must have been condemned to a sorry fate then with my 'lazy' behaviour. In Taiwan, a 7-yr old boy commited suicide because he failed his chinese dictation exam. I would 'die' in that system. without even failing an exam. Looking back at Rg, I realised that they too taught us a lot of stuff, but their purpose was to introduce is to the wide range of information and knowledge, and stretch is to our fullest. Yes, it was stressful too. But not in a way that was imposed on us. If we did badly, the teachers might come to talk to us and understand any underlying problems, but they would not force us to go for any 'cram schools'. In fact there was nothing of that sort. Our lessons barely finished in time for any preparation for the exams... and basically, the teachers nous avons laissees a notre faiblesse...Their purpose was to teach us to think, to grasp the main concepts and not the details. The focus was understanding, learning to have a balanced lifestyle that had strong elements of leadership, character development and camaraderie.

I'm glad I received that sort of education and became someone with a bit more passion in what I do, a bit more reflection on my coming-and-goings, a bit more love for my friends and family, a bit more empathy and sociability, a bit more wit and humour, a bit of everything...:)

A levels is coming. Its a passport to success. But not the passport to life. Its the passport to my dreams. But not the only one. I don't deny that I take pride in my work. and I want to do well. It's just that I think I would go crazy if I were to study all day long. I need normalcy in my life.

k, I should be getting back to my work. My mind is so much clearer now and I feel better :)

keep faith. we can do it.

Toujours la même

2008-10-30T17:17:00.004+08:00

j'aime tellement ma vie lamentable maintenant. hur hur. (détecter le sarcarsm) Je n'ai pas la moindre idée comment préparer pour la rédac. et ça c'est pas une bonne nouvelle pour qqn dont le niveau de français n'est pas trop impressionant! voire satisfaisant. piff. c'est peut-être la punition pour ma paresse, mon manque de respect pour l'importance du travail, mon mauvaise gestion du temps. Mais, rétrospectivement, je ne regrette pas mon décision de prépaper pour le BMAT hier. C'est trop important pour moi. Personne ne puisse comprendre ma passion pour le médicine, et pour une excellente formation qui non seulement me fournir des compétences nécessaire afin de soigner des patients sans les tuer, mais aussi de peaufiner mes pensées, de me donner des éclaircissements sur pas le savoir, mais la beauté de réflexion.

A vrai dire, je me suis pleinement amusée mardi, en discutant avec le prof, Dr Barnes sur des questions! Ca m'excite au point de l'impossible tu sais! mon dieu! je n'ai pas donné toutes les responses correctes, mais au moins, ca m'a fait penser et je suis contente d'avoir pu raisonner. :) parfait.

c'est de ce fait que je veux partir pour y étudier. meme si mes parents souhaitent que je reste a singapour. on va voir.

mais tout ca deviendrait des fantasies, des espoirs perdus si j'échouait/ je ne réussissais pas mon A levels. J'en ai peur. très peur. et je suis complètement déchirée/ balancée entre la nervosité et le besoin de rester calme. C'est vraiment un juste milieu difficile à trouver. D'un côté, il faut avoir une certaine insistance pour me pousser de travailler dur. D'un autre côté, il est primordial que je garde un sens de normale, et la tête froide. Si non, je courirai droit à la catastrophe/ au désastre/ à des conséquences inimaginables/ impensables.

J'ai peur, j'ai vraiment peur. Mais ayant peur ne sert qu'à me soulager de la lourdeur dans mon coeur.

Alors, cette fois, je serais plus courageuse. Je n'échapperai pas aux obstacles, aux difficultés. Je foncerai. en gardant la foi que je suis bénie par l'amour de mes parents, ma soeur, mes amis, et Dieu, en croyant que j'avais fait de mon mieux, que pour chaque décision que j'ai prise, j'y avais réfléchise à deux fois. Donc, si je n'ai pas avoir des résultats à la hauteur de mes attentes/ mes espoirs. c'est pas de ma faute. c'est peut-être même un bienfait caché. et mes parents le comprendraient...ils sont toujours compréhensifs, toujours d'un grand secours et je leur suis tellement reconnaissante. Je les aime tellement.

2008-10-26T20:31:00.002+08:00

You who are reading my posts, should click the 'x' button on the top right hand corner now. because what I'm gonna say later is purely self-indulgence, or rather a necessity to the preservation of my sanity.

ahhhhhhhhh......i am so so so so so so so tired now! okay there's like some stupid french oral on tue! PLUS cambridge interview which is all so important yet all so not important (if I do not have the capabilities in the first place!

grr..i jsut wasted so much time watching the inane princess diaries on youtube! yeah, what am i doing man, when I should be mugging hard now! especially since I have french listening, french redac and cambridge interview + all the tons of things I have yet to study!

i feel like my life has been reduced to that of a pig. 1. wake up, without the alarm clock 2. eat breakfast 3. sit on a chair and STICK TO IT for about 4 hours, while munching on sweets occasionally, mug mug mug. 4. lunch, chit chat with my maid for 1 hour, before I say sayonara and go back to my chair. 5. mug mug mug until i'm mentally exhausted and feel that I am suffocating from the stale air in my pigsty. 6. decidedly get up to relieve my chair of the burden of my body mass 7. walk to the balcony, breathe, walk around the house, browse through youtube for some mindless brief moment of happiness and laughter. 8. watch 7 o clock show 9. eat dinner and whine to my parents 10. sit on the chair again and mug mug mug 11. walk around the house like a rat searching for food. 11. eat thinking that it would keep me awake. 12. but being a pig i'll doze off but catch myself before I fall into a deep slumber. 13. miraculously bein able to brush my teeth, go to bed......

maybe i'm exaggerating, and i most probably am, because I'm too tired to QUALIFY my statements. so you can do the editting job by adding modals like 'might' 'most of the time', 'in cases such as', 'often', 'to a certain extent' blah blah blah...

okay! yay! i'm feeling a bit better now! YES ranting and whining is GOOD FOR HEALTH! NOW, I SHALL CONTINUE MY MUGGING. POOR CHAIR. HAHA

YES!!! FRENCH RADIO FOR THE WINNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-26T19:42:00.002+08:00

To all the lonely people in the world...

By Savage Garden

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart

I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relieve and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face they day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Not knowing what you're feeling is the worse feeling ever.

2008-10-25T18:50:00.002+08:00

How many days have passed since i blogged. How many days have passed since I stopped to reflect.

Mugging seriously numbs the mind. I really cant stand this type of exams. partly because I truly feel that if you wanna judge a person's determination and hardwork, or how hard a person can mug at the last minute, it may be a fairly good indicator. But, it is also under such a fixed curriculum, duration that forces us to abandon much of any indepth thinking about a subject and launch straight as if we were all natural geniuses to the correct ans.

this, of course, is not always true, having witnessed how truly smart people excelled in both international competitions and exams as well. but then again, everyone is different. while i have seen how exams can spur some to actually pick up their books and start reading it, it can work the reverse for others.

pardon this biased writer. she is one who belongs with the latter.

maybe i'm jsut lazy, trying to find excuses for myself. after all, if, for example, i actually excel in exams, I would probably for condemned people who decry the system as people trying to find a convenient excuse.

yes and no. again. there are just too many different people in the world. While exams being much benefit, e.g. teaches us to manage stress, cope with difficult situations, manage time and reinforces our basic knowledge to give us the lever to succeed better in whatever career path we choose, we cannot deny that exams too ahve disadvantages. and given the diversity of people, there will inevitably be some who draw minimal benefits from such activities. Such people may well be doing other things.

for me, I have no idea. But right now, I just feel like I'm caught up in the whirlwind of things, I no longer no how to speak, think and understand myself. Interviews, gp, math, chem, bio, french. I've segmented my time so much and devoted my full concentration on each subject, that I risk wiping off all that I've learnt from each subject everything I start on another. What I see now, is a blinkered view of each subject, a view too clear to elucidate anything, like a cigarette smoker who inhaled nicotine and sees her surroundings with enhanced senses, but in fact sees nothing of reality.

I was playing tennis just now, for a while, I truly enjoyed the moment and was in fact playing fine. Then, somehow, my mind just drifted to studies as I thought of how, I missed the olden days, when I actually studied because I wanted to, not because of the exams; how I then started to evaluate mentally the effectiveness of my learning...then, my strokes just went bleagh.

just like how my mind is going.

This is not the right time. But I'm afraid. getting Bs is not such a far away possibility for me. the way tackle my math questions, I truly analyse them instead of launching straight into it by drawing parallels with what I have learnt. Time trialed tests are therefore seriously not to my benefit. either I zoom in onto what seems like something I've learnt, and make tons of careless mistakes due to the million assumptions, OR, I take too long.

would, society still give me a second chance? would I be able to develop myself fully and gain at least a decent recognition of my achievements and my true capabilities despite the Bs? I want to believe that. I want to believe that society, now made of people who have undergone the same system and seen the flaws of it, will stand in my shoes and the shoes of many others to understand it.

can i stil become a doctor? or maybe this proves that i might not be so suitable for it after all. Maybe I should instead become a french philosopher, always so tormented with the bizarre and confused thoughts about the past, present and future. maybe I should just start up a business with my parents, after all, I think they would enjoy my company :)...

and just maybe, everyone else will move on. and weird people like me would be forgotten.

people tell me, don't think so much, just focus on your studies. I should. I truly should. After all, after a few more weeks of insensate mugging, whether for good or for bad, I would be liberated, free to indulge myself in the many wonderful books the bookstores have to offer, free to enjoy the company of my family and friends, free to daydream, free to start thinking about what the world has or does not have to offer me. free, not to be free, but to choose what sort of responsibilities I would like to undertake, instead of the system imposing some on to me.

I should give the system a little more faith, shouldn't I?

So this 18-yr-old me will just keep believing, keep hoping, that my best is truly enough. and that there will be light at the end of the road, or if not, some flint to start one.

L'art

2008-10-20T07:57:00.005+08:00

aujourd'hui, je parle de l'art...alors, invitons le silence!

Le Gouffre Argenté par René Magritte

Sem Titulo par C. Zervudacki

J'en ai plus, mais j'ai pas le temps. donc. je vous laisse à votre plaisir.

--Magritte aimait à dire: «Je ne suis pas un artiste, je suis un homme qui pense.» ---

ugly ugly link.

http://dasartesplasticas.blogspot.com/

Bonjour!

2008-09-30T21:11:00.002+08:00

Bonjour mon cher journal!

Aujourd'hui, je ne parle qu'en francais! parce que demain, c'est mon examen oral! QUEL horreur! Je sais bien qu'il faut travailler dur, qu'il faut parler...mais! je suis attaquee par la maladie de paresse! zut.

lol...ou peut-etre, si je veux etre honnete, c'est bien dans mon caractere. J'ai peur de faire des choses en quoi je manque de confiance...

bleagh...je vais regarder la tele et travailler un peu maintenant!
vive la tele!...

JE NE SUIS PAS PARESSEUSE!!! JE PEUX REUSSIR!!!! VIVE LE FRANCAIS!!!

2008-09-28T22:21:00.002+08:00

Our Song (by Taylor Swift)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6s5cxBN

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car
He's got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel
The other on my heart
I look around, turn the radio down
He says baby is something wrong?I say no nothing
I was just thinking how we don't have a song
And he says...

[Chorus:]

Our song is the slamming screen door,
Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window
When we're on the phone and you talk real slow
Cause it's late and your mama don't know
Our song is the way you laugh
The first date "man, I didn't kiss her, and I should have"
And when I got home ... before I said amen
Asking God if he could play it again

I was walking up the front porch steps after everything that day
Had gone all wrong and been trampled on
And lost and thrown away
Got to the hallway, well on my way to my lovin' bed
I almost didn't notice all the rosesAnd the note that said...

[Repeat Chorus]

I've heard every album, listened to the radio
Waited for something to come along
That was as good as our song...
Cause our song is the slamming screen door
Sneaking out late, tapping on his window
When we're on the phone and he talks real slow
Cause it's late and his mama don't know
Our song is the way he laughs
The first date "man, I didn't kiss him, and I should have"
And when I got home, before I said amen
Asking God if he could play it again
I was riding shotgun with my hair undone
In the front seat of his carI grabbed a pen and an old napkin

And I... wrote down our song

2008-09-28T21:26:00.003+08:00

Titles.

They are sometimes the most irritating things in the world. How can one summarise so many thoughts in a single phrase. I may not be the perfect model of brevity, but truly I find it annoying.

Perhaps, if I really wanted to encapsulate all in a phrase, that would simply be 'Life'

What else do people blog for? GP has taught me not to generalise, but somehow, there should be a limit to the general application of that word itself. Love, may not be such a subjective thing. Neither is beauty. nor loneliness, fear of death, love for life, the conflicting desire for solitude and company, the self-centredness and many many more.

I do believe that people blog mainly because they need an avenue to express themselves, whether it is in the form of banal recounts of their life, torturing thoughts or what not. They may make up fictiona stuff, but that too is because at that point in time, perhaps their life is defined as such. I don't know. I do wish that I could be wiser in this aspect.

I berate myself for blogging because 1) I'm too lazy to take out a pen to write things down 2) I'm a narcissistic person who defines herself somewhat by my portrayal in the world-outside-sarah-world. 3) I'm to greedy: i don't want to lose any thread of thoughts that are sprinting through my head.

Today, I thought about alot, as always.

Wanted to really get down to start revising again. But oh boy oh boy, i'm such a procrastinator i'm disgusted with it. and today, my mind is just fluttering like a butterfly...and i just keep getting assaulted by a multitude of feelings that seem to mean all and nothing at the same time.

on one hand, I felt this great sense of loneliness. Sure, I do have great friends, but they are all busy with their own stuff, and even if I did call them up, my feelings are so complicated that I'd have trouble voicing them and there'd be this awkward silence highly laced with guilt on my part for wasting their time and subjecting them to such awkwardness.

on the other, I yearn for solitude. Peace and quiet in which I can fully immerse myself in a wonderful read, like a book Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami; Never let me go by Kazuo Ishiguro, The Piano Tuner by Daniel Mason and so many more...

Personally, I prefer jap authors, or chinese authors..their books are laced with a culture so near yet so far from my understanding, that I feel that I'm lulled into this trance state almost no different from that of a dream.

Just a digression, I read an article on the straits times mind your body about dreams, how people can be conscious in their dreams to different extents. well, this is indeed true for me anyway, sometimes, I realise that I'm dreaming, but I force myself back into it, and try to manipulate the twists and turns of the story until it's like me telling myself a fairy tale. The article also talked about how it is in dreams that we somehow accept even the most outlandish of tales without a moments' doubt. wow, I wonder what indeed is the mechanism in our mind that enables us to regain such innocence that we have lost with the learning of social behaviour.

oh well, so by my digression, I hope my love to dream, or rather, my love to find myself in a dream is great. that's perhaps why I love books so much.

Although they're usually fiction, most of them are inspired by real life experiences. They tell, not the story of a third person, but truly, the inner workings of the author, all his and her idiosyncracies, thoughts etc...

they encapsulate human nature..the bizarreness, the hypocracy, the conflicts, the torment, the inner struggles that all of us face once in a while...

I love it all.

It shows us that truly, all of us are weird and it is only because we are weird that we are human. for being weird indicates a certain level of conflict with the outer and inner being, I struggle for self-identity and a continual search for enlightenment. Without such a search, we, will truly stagnate and remain only as good as unthinking beings. Without such a search, without desire, dreams, success, failure and discovery of flaws and qualities, our life is nothing nothing at all...

our life, is already meaningless as it is. Death the leveller reveals how the pursuit of riches, contacts and fame is reduced to nothing in face of Death. we should instead strive to appreciate life in itself...

That's why books tithering on the weird and bizarre appeal best to me...

I wish that I could remember all the wonderful books I read and one day walk the paths of those whose spirit of life I truly admire.

Reading has changed me and still is.

I love such a feeling. It's as if, I'm undefined, I'm non-existant, I'm transcient. like words in a book that drift in and out of people's memory... only to exist in truth and not in mind.

I'll drift to wherever life takes me...

Content

2008-09-21T11:19:00.002+08:00

I don't think i'd mind dying now.

I use 'think' because I know that if given a choice, I'd choose to live. anyway, I think i'm a very fickle-minded person. Capricorns are supposed to be grounded, realistic. In a way yes. But everyone has so many sides to them.

I think...

Sometimes, I'm like the

Wind.

Birds in the sky.

Dogs.

Kittens.

Child.

Happy old man.

lol...I don't mind being a pebble either. But i want to be in the shade! haha. Skin cancer is a terrible thing though I don't think stones get them. I always go around telling people how easy it is to get cancer...it is a frightening thing. You never know until you feel something. And by the time you feel that your lungs are hurting, that means that well, good luck to you, the tumour cells have probably invaded them, depriving your cells of nutrients and thus causing invasive damage.

Yeah, come to think of it. Doctors have it quite bad huh. They get to learn EXACTLY how the diseases can be caused, the stages of degradation, the uncertainties of life and death, the hope but no concrete realisation of cures... wow...

But then again, most doctors don't quit. I can see why. When you are able to help a old woman feel better, help an injured boy walk again, kiss a child to soothe him, successfully help a person beat cancer into remission, isn''t it great?

I've heard of doctors say that erm, sometimes having a successful surgery is better than erm, sex. haha. I really wanna do a surgery! but I'm scared that I'll mess up. It's really interesting! I don't understand how doctors can cut such a big wound and when it's sealed up, it looks so small and you can never guess all the pulling of tissues, cutting of muscles, sawing of bones that went in there.

I think we learn a lot everyday. Sometimes I just wanna shut my brain and act stupid, like a filter.

I wanna be a bird but I think i'm more like the wind or water.

Once in many lifetimes

2008-09-20T19:22:00.002+08:00

Have you ever ....

Have you ever ........

Have you ever ..............

Have you ever ......................

Have you ever .............................

If we just

2008-09-17T19:54:00.004+08:00

pause.

If we just listen. and not argue.

I hate it when you guys argue. I hate it when you try to defend yourself when you are clearly wrong. Would it hurt if you just gave in ONCE?

it's so tiring and useless to argue with you that I've learnt to just shut up and walk away now.

You've never read this because you don't listen anyway.

I admit, sometimes,

I don't listen either.

I lose my temper.

I get defensive.

I don't say sorry.

and I'm human, you're human. It's okay.

maybe it's because I admired you, respected you and expected more from you.

Expectations can be such a tricky thing. I find myself contradicting, setting double standards, drawing lines, erasing them and redrawing them, until the paper's torn.

I hate living up to expectations. So the same way, maybe I shouldn't expect things from people.

This is life, isn't it. We are born blind. We feel our way through the world, sometimes with our eyes, our ears, our sense of touch, our hearts and our mind. At the end of the day, we might grow to become surer of ourselves, but if we were to be really worldwise, my opinion thus far is that those wise people that we may become would be forever questioning, forever open to changes in mindset and values as we come to realise that life is as perfect as imperfection can be.

An uncertainty that I think I'm slowing getting used to, like a new shoes often worn, till it becomes comfy. Without which life would lose a tad of meaning, a tad of luminance.

j'aime bien le petit prince. Comme il est innocent et naif.
Comme il voit la vie avec des yeux si beaux.

Reminders

2008-09-17T01:15:00.003+08:00

They come occasionally, but not often enough.

I need more of such reminders, that I live for myself and not for others. I live to fulfill my own dreams, and not the expectations of others. If the two collide, then all the better for you, for you need not go through the agony of forcing me to go against my nature, of undergoing disappointment when I do not.

How does a person define him/herself?

I read in a book about a person who became obsessed with memories, how leaving behind pieces of himself made him feel more like a person, without which he felt like nothing more than a shadow.

Indeed, as we grow older, granted, our social circles expand. But I've always this opinion, that gets verified time and again, that people have a limit to their sociability. All expansions come at a cost: the superficiality of relationships, the bonds stretched so thin that they no longer bind. We then become individual molecules that collide, make brief interactions but never long enough to stay together.

Do we still exist then?

If no one remembers us, do we exist?

We may exist then only in ourselves. To some, that is sufficient. If so, good for you.

As I grow older, I've come to discover a world larger than my own. In the past, I used to define people according to my own standards and blindly classifying them into clearly defined black and white regions. But life's experiences humbles us, reading widens our horizons, friendships made and broken leaves us scarred but matures, brazened and always remembering, that never should we impose our moral standards on others, for who are we to decide what is right and what is wrong?

There's this saying that goes, expect not from others but from yourself.

I've come to see, comprehend, embrace diversity and recognise the wonderful attributes of all. Some of course are still difficult to accept, but I'll just close one eye and try to treat them with respect. It's sometimes hard and I don't really like this sort of trying-to-be-nice-when-you-do-not-want-to thing. but oh well...maybe it'd save someone from getting too hurt ...

I hate it when I get angry.

We live for ourselves.

We make decisions.

We take responsibility for them.

We live for ourselves.

2008-09-15T20:27:00.001+08:00

I can do it!
RAWR!!!

2008-09-12T23:47:00.002+08:00

How do you put a name to a feeling when you can't bear to describe it?

piff...murphy's law in practice: whatever could go wrong DID go wrong.

SIGH.

today's such a shitty day. I can't even study properly.

ew, my chemistry really sucks...seriously. I hate it. I am so careless. omg. yeah, what's the use of completing the paper and getting most of them wrong. stupid girl.
yucks. it's such a disappointment. IM such a disappointment.

I know the right thing to do now is just to look over this, learn from my mistakes and move on.

but i think it must serve as a self-check too right? YEAH, so yeah, I'm really bad at chemistry, i suppose i've lots and lots to work on...if I wanna get in...

the rational me says to think positive. the emotional me wants to :( waahaha...(crying or laughing...i don't know either.)

People

2008-09-12T21:02:00.003+08:00

are generally nice and kind.

I shouldn't expect more.

but sometimes I'm disappointed.

other times I'm

unexpectedly

surprised.

I should expect more from myself I guess.

to be more grateful

forgiving

understanding.

I'd be nice if I didn't think so much sometimes...
maybe people who think lesser are happier?

让我傻傻的过日子，好吗？

Procrastinator

2008-08-31T20:17:00.002+08:00

French always gives me so much stress. So much joy and so much stress. It's such a paradox.

Okay arrête les tergiversations! travaille!

stupid deadlines.

I'm Stressed.

2008-08-29T15:47:00.002+08:00

Surprise surprise, Sarah Tai's stressed.

It's seriously no surprise to me, but everytime I tell someone this they go, 'Haiya, you stress what? you like how pro please? and they start complaining how many As I have.'

But i'm not like trying to make them feel inferior or anything. I really am stressed. I usually don't say so as I do try to solve my own internal conflicts...

But why am I stressed?

I supppose it's jsut the feeling of being bombarded with a lot of things that I have to do. Nope, it's not about the tons of revision papers the school gave us. It's things like university applications, BMAT, UKCAT, scholarship applications that seriously get me. It's taking a toll on my A level prepararion (which I haven't really started?), and I just can't help but think what if I don't get into any UK universities, what if the opportunity costs of me applying and forsaking precious studying time too high?

I've been always telling myself, take one step at a time. have faith. like I tell others. k, i'm not a hypocrite, I DO believe in what i'm saying cos it has worked most of the times. But maybe that's because my stress then was UNDUE. NOW, haha, maybe its a stark reminder of sth?

maybe i need to get things done faster, be more 'hardcore' (dun really like this word but my vocab seems insufficient to emcompass the intensity of this expression). But i have never believed in compromising quality.

so it's my values vs social pressure and the fact/fallacy that in this case, the majority is right.

okay, but YES, finally today, i've come to realise that THIS IS WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

For all those out there who share the same sentiments as me, please listen, i'm infaliable, my opinions may not be right, but if this helps you, why not? (confirmation of self-delusion/ motivation/ comfort, whatever works)

We are all made differently. Each one of us can absorbs things more effectively with different methods. We have different saturation points. We respond differently to stress. We have different goals. We have different situations and thus have to deal with each of them differently. We have different talents and shortcomings and thus our focus on each will be different.

I guess ultimately my conclusion is that. Be yourself. Believe in yourself and what you are doing. As long as the intention is there are you are consciously making decisions while being AWARE of your own capacities, internal and external situations, AS LONG AS YOU ARE MAKING A DEICISION TO STUDY AND YOU FIND IT EFFECTIVE, yes, granted, we should keep an open mind to other studying methods and constantly seek ways to improve ourselves, but we should only do so if we feel that we can deal with changes to our studying methods at the last minute.

WE ultimately live for ourselves. We should not blindly follow other people's studying methods or aspirations. Do what you think is right, for it shall be right if you did think hard enough about it. Do what you think is right, for you shall not regret it and accept victory with modesty and defeat with grace.

For me now,
yes, studying for A levels is important, but I will try my darn hardest to get into a medicine career. Not only that, I want to become a good doctor. Not one that has infinite medical knowledge in her brain, but one, who is humble to learn from great doctors, from her own patients, from the random people around her. And if I do not get into medicine, let it be. For it may just mean that I'm not good enough and therefore it may be only responsible of me to have not gotten in. BUT, that will not stop me from trying again, from working harder and smarter to earn my worth to work in a hospital, touch and save the lives of others.

Sorry for the emo piece. If you've read till this far, thanks for taking time off to listen to the rantings of a girl with dreams.

Love you all :)

What am I doing with my life!

2008-08-23T11:05:00.002+08:00

Yes indeed, 'What are you doing with your life Sarah?'

What are you thinking? ArE YOU MAD? do you think you can get into cambridge?

GOD, I wish i knew. I'm an obsessed freak about cambridge. Yes I told my mum that..(secret) but in actual fact...i..(secret)

CAN I GET IN? is it worth wasting my time on this?

MY prelims is DEAD

MY french is hopeless.

MY brain is degrading.

lol.

help. I need Shin Bin/Sim Jing Wei's brains and everything else.

You noe, if I don't get to do medicine in UK/ Singapore, I'll try and try and try again till I get what I want. So never doubt my passion and commitment to medicine. at least for now.

Passion is not everything

2008-08-17T15:43:00.002+08:00

Get real people. Passion counts for some things. But it is definitely not everything.

Thoughts just keep running through my head. Yes, I know deep down inside me that I would like to help people by being a doctor. But being a doctor is such a huge responsibility, something that definitely not any Tom, Dick or Harry can do. So what if I am passionate about it? the key question is: AM I CAPABLE ENOUGH? CAN I MASTER MY FEELINGS? WILL I BE ABLE TO FACE FAIlURE? WILL I BE ABLE TO BE THE PILLAR OF STRENGTH FOR MY PATIENTS? WILL I BE ABLE TO GET A GRIP OF MYSELF AND THINK CALMLY, ACCURATELY AND THOROUGHLY IN FACE OF AN EMERGENCY OR AN UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS IN THE OPERATION THEATRE? WILL I BE ABLE TO BE THAT SURGEON THAT IS THE BEACON OF HOPE, THE COMPASS THAT CHARTS THE WAY FOR MY WHOLE TEAM OF DOCTORS AND NURSES? okay, i suppose people may be joking sometimes, but sometimes the comments really get to me...am I really not capable enough? if so, would hard work and passion actually make up for it? will I be able to stand the negative comments and persevere? You know, I too will not be able to stand the thought of performing an operation if i knew that I wasn't capable enough.

IT's a LIFE we are talking about here...heck care about my stupid ambitions and passions.

Help me, please. At least tell me honestly if I can do it. I really need honesty now, not jokes or tactful replies.

Love

2008-08-09T14:50:00.002+08:00

What is love? Do we all love our family? If we do not, is that okay?

Sometimes I feel that I do not love my family. I don't feel the love when I get home. My sister' face is rainbow when she is with her friends, and a perpetual storm when she is facing me (if, that is, she ever did look at me)

I can't help blaming myself. For I see myself in her. And I see my parents in myself. So maybe not likiing one's family runs in the family.

I've made several mental notes on how I would like to raise my family, with lots of love and hugs that I lacked... somehow,I feel that to do so, I would have to estrange myself from my family. Because although they may not overtly reject such overt display of affection, the vibes that resonate in the air that we all commonly breathe says volumes.

perhaps the saying out of sight out of mind holds true sometimes...

but I would hate to think that I dislike my family. they are good people that people like and wish for. and I suppose that no matter how much you like a person, that person is never perfect...so theoretically if you were to look for sometimes that you would like, going by that criteria, you won't really like anyone.

so the same applies to family members. which brings about the question if we should be more strict with our family members or should we love them all the more unconditionally.

it should be the latter, according to many people. it should. but in reality, when they hurt you so so much, you start to wonder if anything else they do will heal you.

Anger

2008-08-09T14:41:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it's hard not to blog and blow sth up out of proportion.

Sometimes there's a fine line between emotions and exaggerations.

Sometimes what one feels is not exactly what one thinks. and when the two conflict, which should we listen to?

People get angry. Only people who get angry are people with feelings. Is this true? or are people how get angry people and people who get angry and show their feelings monsters? or is it the other way round?

I was angry, really angry a while ago. Now i'm angry, and with the acute understanding of my anger, much more hurt and crumbled.

Whatever right? people don't give a damn.

Some people think i'm all cheery and stuff. So they can't see how I can get angry. And some people think that being nice = not that intelligent = can be bullied easily.

all the assumptions people make about others just drives me mad sometimes. People themselves may not know themselves entirely, people in love take a life to get to know each other. so who are we to say that person X is blah blah blah.

blah blah blah.

Sickk...

2008-07-30T16:50:00.002+08:00

Being sick sucks. Being sick when you have tons of things to do that really require a clear state of mind and full concentration (i.e. no urges to clear your throat, wipe your nose till it turns red and rush to the toilet upon acute feelings of nausaea...

i hate doing things knowing that it won't turn out right. so please let me get well soon...

SIGH.

even chocolate, beautiful songs and stuff like that have no effect in cheering me up.

till i get well soon.

Rebels

2008-07-13T08:07:00.003+08:00

I think I've a tinge of rebelliousness in me. or maybe a tad more.

Chanced upon a list of books that have been banned in some countries for kids for their content. Irony is that most books there are also one the recommended booklist the teachers gave to us. like 1984, Animal Farm, Lord of the Flies.

Perhaps this only emphasizes how such books, being highly provocative cut on thin ice: on one hand, they are highly enlightening as they reflect reality brought to the extreme, like communism, totalitarianism, determinisms, eugenics, anarchy... if taken in the wrong stride, no doubt they can provoke extreme thoughts and behaviour...no wonder some were banned.

Well, truth to be told, they entice me a lot. It's like a forbidden fruit. and a test of my maturity. I can't help thinking if just WHAT IF i read those books, what thoughts would be running through my head? which category of readers would I fall into?

Have you ever had this feeling of suddenly being frightfully aware of the thoughts running through your mind, real-time? I think I have. And despite my awareness of them all, I can't stop thinking. Now that's kinda frightening if your thoughts were kinda bordering on the edges of extremism/ radicalism.

Food for thought.

For interested people who have the share this curiosity for the banned and unknown, or for what one may euphemistically call 'intellectual curiosity'...

Censored Books...

THE BASTARD
by John Jakes

BLOODLINE
by Sidney Sheldon

BRAVE NEW WORLD
by Aldous Huxley

CARRIE
by Stephen King
Considered "trash" that is especially harmful for "younger girls."

THE CATCHER IN THE RYE
by JD Salinger
Considered "dangerous" because of vulgarity, occultism, violence and sexual content.

CATCH-22
by
Considered "dangerous" because of objectionable language.

THE CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR
by Jean M Auel

A CLOCKWORK ORANGE
by Anthony Burgess
"Objectionable" language.

THE COLOR PURPLE
by Alice Walker
Considered inappropriate because of its "troubling ideas about race relations, man's relationship to God, African history and human sexuality."

THE CRUCIBLE
by Arthur Miller
Considered dangerous because it contains "sick words from the mouths of demon-possessed people."

CUJO
by Stephen King
Profanity and strong sexual content cited as reasons for opposition.

DEATH OF A SALESMAN
by Arthur Miller
Cited for profanity.

THE DEVIL'S ALTERNATIVE

THE DIARY OF A YOUNG GIRL
by Anne Frank
Objections to sexually offensive passages.

EAST OF EDEN
by John Steinbeck
Considered "ungodly and obscene."

A FAREWELL TO ARMS
by Ernest Hemingway
Labeled as a "sex novel."

FIRESTARTER
by Stephen King
Cited for "graphic descriptions of sexual acts, vulgar language and violence."

FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON
by Daniel Keyes
Explicit, distasteful love scenes cited among reasons for opposition.

FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC
by VC Andrews
Considered "dangerous" because it contains "offensive passages concerning incest and sexual intercourse."

FOREVER
by Judy Blume
Detractors cite its "four-letter words and [talk] about masturbation, birth control and disobedience to parents."

THE GRAPES OF WRATH
by John Steinbeck
Considered "dangerous" because of obscene language and the unfavorable depiction of a former minister.

HARRIET THE SPY
by Louise Fitzhugh
Considered "dangerous" because it "teaches children to lie, spy, back-talk and curse."

HUCKLEBERRY FINN
by Mark Twain
Considered "dangerous" because of objectionable language and "racist" terms and content.

I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS
by Maya Angelou
Considered "dangerous" because it preaches "bitterness and hatred against whites."

GGIE'S HOUSE
by Judy Blume

IT'S OKAY IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME
by Norma Klein
Considered "dangerous" because it portrays "sex as the only thing on your people's minds."

THE LIVING BIBLE
by William C Bower
Considered "dangerous" because it is "a perverted commentary on the King James Version."

LORD OF THE FLIES
by William Golding
Considered "demoralizing inasmuch as it implies that man is little more than an animal."

LOVE IS ONE OF THE CHOICES
by Norma Klein

THE MARTIAN CHRONICLES
by Ray Bradbury
Profanity and the use of God's name in vain sparked opposition to this novel.

MATARESE CIRCLE
by Robert Ludlum
"Unnecessarily rough language and sexual descriptions" caused opposition to this novel.

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE
by William Shakespeare
Objections to purported anti-Semitism.

NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR
by George Orwell
Objections to pro- Communist material and explicit sexual matter.

OF MICE AND MEN
by John Steinbeck
Considered "dangerous" because of its profanity and "vulgar language."

ONE DAY IN THE LIFE OF IVAN DENISOVICH
by Alexander Solzhenitsyn

ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST
by Ken Kesey

ORDINARY PEOPLE
by Judith Guest
Called "obscene" and "depressing."

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS SHEILA THE GREAT
by Judy Blume

THE PIGMAN
by Paul Zindel
Considered "dangerous" because it features "liars, cheaters and stealers."

THE RED PONY
by John Steinbeck
Called a "filthy, trashy sex novel."

THE SEDUCTION OF PETER S
by Lawrence Sanders

A SEPARATE PEACE
by John Knowles
Detractors cite offensive language and sex as dangerous elements in this novel.

THE SHINING
by Stephen King
Considered dangerous because it "contains violence and demonic possession and ridicules the Christian religion."

SILAS MARNER
by George Eliot

SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE
by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr

SUPERFUDGE
by Judy Blume

THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW
by S.E. Hinton.

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD
by Harper Lee
Considered "dangerous" because of profanity and undermining of race relations.

ULYSSES
by James Joyce

UNCLE TOM'S CABIN
by Harriet B Stowe
Use of the word nigger caused opposition.

WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS
by Shel Silverstein

2008-07-05T19:53:00.002+08:00

Sea Fever by Sarah Mason is an amazing read.

and my life is so messed up now ><

2008-06-27T19:39:00.002+08:00

American Pie by Don Mclean

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.

But february made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn’t take one more step.

I can’t remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.

So bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock ’n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Well, I know that you’re in love with him
`cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.

I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.

I started singin’,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

Now for ten years we’ve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen,
In a coat he borrowed from james dean
And a voice that came from you and me,

Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while lennon read a book of marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.

We were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
It landed foul on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass,
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.

Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
`cause the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?

We started singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devil’s only friend.

Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that satan’s spell.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw satan laughing with delight
The day the music died

He was singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I’d heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldn’t play.

And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died.

And they were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

They were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die."

life sucks

2008-05-30T14:25:00.003+08:00

life sucks.

i feel so disconnected with everyone. The last time i rememebered being truly happy was yesterday at council canteen, just whining about how schizophrenic the stupid psychometric test made me feel to my beloved 27ths....gosh, i really miss them. with them, it's like crap all the way...i just feel so happy.

but i can't do that now :( stuck at home cos it's the only place with internet and a table from which i won't be chased....

I have tons and tons and tons of things to do! gosh. like everyone's studying hard for CT2, but i'm here doing this stupid french report...not that i'm getting anyway really... it's such a shitty feeling..thought i'd be used to it, after tdae day and all the blazer stuff that always falls near exams.. :(:(:(

i am sad. upset about my unproductivity, my laziness, my droopy eyes each time i see the comm filled with french words, my inability to reduce the stupid pile of french articles I'm forcing myself to read so I can write 1000 words that actually mean something about divorce in france...i have this terrible feeling that nothing is actually going into my head. what happened to neurons making connections, blocks being built each time we learn sth? eeks, I have this weird feeling that my brains slowing down.. >.<

I FEEL LIKE WHINING!!!

whine whine whine.

byebye. off to read more french articles and experience what is it like to grow older every minute.

someone's nick is irritating me...

Randomness

2008-05-12T19:33:00.002+08:00

Oh no. I've forgot all i wanted to say. again.

I agree that we should 'live the moment' but there are some thoughts that seemed rather meaningful to me, like a rare stroke of brilliance emanating from me (surprise surprise).

Long walks do me good. clears the mind yet fills it up again.

random thoughts kept occuring, like how sometimes being alone, you think about so much stuff, so many questions you wish to pose to certain people. Yet, when you finally meet them, the questions just seem rather out of place. as if asking them seems so forced.

thought about lots of stuff.. seems like i've been thinking a lot these days.

Is this what happens when you grow older, hurt people and get hurt at the same time? I think each of us, no matter how, leaves an impression on each other, some deeper than the rest. some i choose to fill up, but I'll always know that I can never replace that block of soil/sand whatever that was there in the first place.

why is that my tone of voice changes as I interact with diff people? why is that I can talk to people about things I would not really talk about to others? sometimes it's unconscious you noe. i would be talking...then oh! i would suddenly realise it.

you noe, when Irealise that when I discover some gross flaw. and I'm not as good (for nobody's perfect is a cliche sung by many but accepted by few) as I thought I was, I seek affirmation from people. that I'm bad....

which is damn stupid.

cos like P(people will comfort you saying that you're not as bad as you seem) > 0.9?

Yeah.

so seeking affirmation is more like seeking comfort and probably a good excuse for your bad behaviour.

it's for people in denial. like me.

I have a warped proposition: that people who actually acknowledge are those who do not question their 'bad' behaviour. BUT, to actually reach that stage, one has to first acknowledge it. and BECAUSE humans have this THING called pride, they actually need to annouce to the whole world their flaws because they themselves can finally admit it (cos like, hey, since the whole world knows about it already and either don't blame me/ forgive me, why not myself?)

HAHA. my warped principle for your dinner today.

listening to songs. I love songs. Like when I'm down, just listening to high energy songs will make me alive again. emo songs will take me away with my thoughts and my thoughts away from me. if you get what I mean.

yeah, I just feel like I like so many songs. (well, er, that's debatable actually cos I upload the songs I like into my ipod in the first place. haha.)

Yeah, like one moment I can totally like this song! then the next moment, I totally like ANOTHER song. so fickle right?

- oh well, I'm just this random person on the street anyway =) Me like being random.

i think everyone's random though. cos random = multifaceted? actually right, maybe this 'randomness' has a pattern that few can understand. maybe it's not meant to be fully understood.

cos isnt trying to unravel the randomness of people the exact thing that makes life so interesting and beautiful?

I fell in love without realising it and fell out of it again.

2008-05-11T08:30:00.002+08:00

When people told me that you get married to council, I just felt ridiculous...

but now, i just feel like i've just broken up.

The inexplicable tears;
The void;
The feeling of uncertainty how my future interactions with you will be like;
The dreaded thought of seeking you
but never finding you again.

Walking, thinking,
My thoughts kept flowing,
My heart wailing;

But now,
As I try to pen them down in the words I know so well,
I know I can't.

How can others understand the emptiness in me now? True, this is the beginning of a new term, a new challenge, of maintaining our friendships without the certainty of meetings, of experiences together. It's the challenge of forging even stronger bonds through smiles in random alleys, perhaps random chats online, and just the thought of each other every once in a while.

I so remember the day after final night. Just felt like going to the council room. Saw Siang Huat and talked to him a little. He was cleaning up the room. I wanted to help him, but for the slight moment, I felt that I had to sit down and take a good look at the room...

The room that was filthy when we first stepped in; the room that we vowed to clean up but never did; the room that I spent my crazy after-school hours in, with the most funky mizx of people ever. Nick Tong with his old love songs, Yewei with his ultimately coolio voice, Kovan with his guitar, SAbby with DDR, yiran with her crap and wanjoo and zhi ying with their crazy laughter.

Not forgetting blazer duty. Like have you ever heard of two people playing tennis in that small room, and actually MANAGING to rally a bit? IT'S CRAZY HAHA..the things Justin and I do when we are bored. Occasionally, during those TERRIBLY BORING AND STINKY blazer duty hours, li zheng will stream in, reminding me to do my work..haha, as always...and li qian will come in - CommzD stuff - Lynette will pop by and the fun fun crapping will start HAHA..and wanjoo and zhiying will come, to fill the place with laughter. they tried writing people's chinese names once, HAHA, so funny cos I can only remember how wrong I was thinking Ner was when she complained to me about Wanjoo's abysmal chinese standards.

Decided to get up to help Siang Huat and stop emo-ing. But as I opened my mouth to ask him, I realised that my voice sounded mellow-er, older, sadder...

sigh...

instead of helping, I found this yummy Royce chocolate! HAHA, Siang Huat insisted that I ate it...said that he wanted to share...that just melted my heart...cos you noe what they say about council? if you don't wanna lose anything, don't ever put it in the council room. Guess that's what defines council.

Sarah is sad sad sad....she goes to the council canteen and sees Hwee Leong and a couple of 28ths. Suddenly, Sarah feels like an outsider. So Sarah leaves for class.

But at class, people have other worries, and Sarah's worry becomes more or less insignificant. People don't understand why council is so dear when it tires me daily, drives my stress levels up, steals me away from my friends and takes up my time for studying.

It's one of the stuff that keeps sarah insane,

and therefore alive.

Perhaps you have no idea,
but when you hurt me,
it's the friends at council that I sometimes turn to.

Council has helped me grow,
To become the person I am now.
The person I am now is far from perfect,
But still.

Remember tdae?
Gosh...that was a nightmare. all the late night proposals, editing and editing again. the anxiety that came with defining the 'perfect' theme. The paranoia that something will just mess up on tdae itself and we would let down the whole council, the school population who voted us in...etc..etc...

As an ic, I admit, I sucked. I wasn't the rah-rah type nor the cam-whore type. So to expect me to bond the group was hard for me to fulfil. Maybe I should have been more responsible, like not accepting the role as an I/C since I may not be good enough; maybe I should have just TRIED to rah-rah the people, nevermind my awkwardness. But I did not. and for that, tdae comm, I'm really sorry that tdae may not have been a wonderful experience for everyone...

but you noe what? I really enjoyed working with every single one of you:

Juan He: for your tact and your constant encouragement for Nick and I

Shu Ting: for your wacky retro theme ideas and for always trying to help us even when you were busy with National Day

Jun Yang: for your great advice and for your constant reminders for Nick and I to see the big picture. I think you make a great leader and without your leadership, tdae, or in fact many other functions and the council as a whole, would not have been as great a success.

Xue Qian: Your constant cheerfulness really makes me believe that everything would turn out fine in the end.

Shiyu: thank you for so dedicatingly getting all the logs secured for us, and trying to help out in any way you can despite your small jobscope

Tan Chen: for managing the programme so well.

Yan Neng: for confiding in me your worries about programme and treating me as a friend. Your craziness realy brings a lot into council...stop crying already yeah? WE LOVE YOU!

AShley: the IMBA secretary. You're like this AMAZING PERSON who doesn't take math but who is incredibly meticulous and organised. Like how on earth do you manage to sieve out the important points from my crap and churn out such reader-friendly minutes! YOU ARE THE BOMB HAHA...

Ben Ben: omg, I totally love you! how many times i have said this? HAHA ..okay, more than the times you're said you hate me :P:P:P I know in your heart that actually you love me! (like who doesn't? HAHA) anyway, you idiot, always like to do all the artwork yourself. YEah lar, you're damn imba and according to vivian and many people I suck so much at art i can't even draw an angelic smiley. but you work yourself so hard and churn out such wonderful looking drawings! I think next time i'll get my children to learn art from you, so there will be more ben bens around to suffer together. you and marc see make the bestest co-ogls ever! lubb you lots!!!

Nick Tong!: cannot stand you haha. I think i'm permanently traumatised my your crazy finger snapping and croning of old chinese songs. Nick tong thinks his presentations are imba. HAHA. all the better, so he's always doing all the presentations for me. He also thinks that his designing skills are chao good. all the better, all those things I don't want Ben Ben to do I pass on to him. He also likes to create scandals for me. like me and Zhiwen, me and Yelin, Me and Li Zheng and i cannot count lar...HAHA, Nick tong officially sucks. :):):) but HECK, NICK TONG, YOU'RE MY FAVOURITE CO-IC FOR TEACHERS' DAY. COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR A BETTER ONE.

we do such CRAZY things together. We're always going to concourse to buy tdae stuff. Actually such things can be given to others to do. But we volunteer to do them cos we secretly wanna have fun outside school. We're damn imba trekkers...we actually walked in the wrong direction so much so that we had to take another mrt station instead of the one everyone else takes from concourse...and that happened twice. though nick tong claimed he knew the way.

and all the late nights doing proposals. Nick tong will tell me all his deep philosophies. about friendship, about life, about council.

and before CTs, I'll never fail to receive his exam-related smses. even though I don't take econs.

and omg, the teachers' day video, we look ugly on screen, but at least we did it together. HAHA

so this is teachers' day for you...
this is one small aspect of council...
to recount everything that made an impact on me would take ages...
but i think it's worth the time...
cos everyone of you is worth my time...

for every wrong I made,

forgive me.